Shin Sangoku Musou Blast Reunion
by Lolsnake9
Summary: The long-time generics of the DW series have finally gained their unique designs and potential to be playable in the future games! How will their close associates react to it? LAST CHAPTER UPDATE
1. Introduction

**Shin Sangoku Musou Blast Reunion**

* * *

The long-time generics of the DW series have finally gained their unique designs and potential to be playable in the future games! How will their close associates react to it? Sorry for OOC, crappy dialogue and humor, grammar errors, etc. because I'm still new here and a noob. Dynasty Warriors is owned by Koei.

* * *

 **Chapter 1: Introduction**

* * *

-Koei HQ-

* * *

 _ **Shu side**_

Zhang Bao: So….what are we doing here, huh?

Guan Xing: Not so sure….hey Zhao Yun, what are we going to do here?

Zhao Yun: Hm? Oh, I just got a letter saying that we should go to the Koei HQ.

Xu Shu: Eh? What for?

Zhao Yun: They said that our long-time generic allies have been given makeover as unique NPCs, and we will soon meet them here.

Ma Chao: Oh, really? Does that include my father?

Zhao Yun: Umm….yes, it seems he made it. Anyways, we have to wait for 2 hours before they came.

All: WHAT?! TWO HOURS?!

Zhang Fei: This is unforgivable! What are we going to do here for 2 hours?!

Ma Dai: Yeah, at least they would be kind to tell us beforehand…

Liu Bei: Now calm down, people! There are MANY generics who's been transformed, so at least you all would be so kind to wait here for a bit…..

Zhao Yun: That's true! Come on, you all will meet all of your loved ones you've been fighting with for years, so be patient, okay?

* * *

 _ **Wu side**_

Sun Ce: Ughh…what a bother. For what purpose did they call us here, anyway?

Zhou Yu: It's because you're always up all night playing Persona 3 , anyway.

Sun Ce: Hey, not my fault! That goddamn Reaper…..

Sun Shangxiang: Um, if I remember it involves something about Blast, is that right?

Lu Xun: Ooh, we're going to blast things with fire?

Zhu Ran: Yay! I have the matches and bombs ready!

Lu Meng: Not _that_ kind of blast, nickheads! **hits Lu Xun and Zhu Ran**

Lu Xun and Zhu Ran: Yeow!

Sun Jian: Uhhh…okay people, the reason why we've been called here is because of the newly released mobile game, Shin Sangoku Musou Blast, where our not-yet-playable ally generics are FINALLY getting unique makeover, and here we are to see them.

All: Oh…..

Zhou Yu: But unfortunately, we have wait for 2 hours.

All: WHAT?!

Zhu Ran: We're gonna get so bored! Oh well, let's burn this place instead!

Lu Xun: Let's go!

All: HEYYY! **tries to restraint Zhu Ran and Lu Xun**

Sun Shangxiang: Sighs…they're ALWAYS on it, aren't they?

Sun Quan: Blame it on Yiling, I'd say.

* * *

 ** _Wei side_**

Cao Cao: Haha! Now we're here!...hm? Where's everyone? Why's this place empty?

Xiahou Dun: Well, we have to wait for them to come, cousin.

Cao Cao: Whaaaattt?! We have to wait?! Why didn't you tell me earlier?

Xiahou Dun: You didn't ask.

Cao Cao: Oh, you're a real asshole, you know that?

Cao Pi: So, why did we come here, father?

Cao Cao: Hm? Oh, here, we're here because our long-time generic officers will be given unique makeover, and we're supposed to welcome them here.

Xiahou Dun: Unfortunately, we have to wait for around 2 hours.

Cao Cao: WHAT?!

Xiahou Yuan: Whoa! Cousin, you nearly gave me a heart attack….

Cao Cao: You NEVER told me to wait, let alone _TWO HOURS_! What are we going to do here, Dun?! WE'RE GONNA DIE. DIE FROM BOREDOM.

Xiahou Dun: Uhh, um….. _whisper whisper_.

Cao Cao: Emm…..oh? Alrighty! I'm sorry I was angry at you earlier.

Xiahou Dun: No problemo.

Xun Yu: Hm? Lord Cao Cao sure changed immediately…don't you guys think that what Xiahou Dun said is kinda suspicious?

Jia Xu: Meh, I bet my two asses that Xiahou Dun just said to Lord Cao Cao that he'll meet pretty girls whom he could make some more babies with. I honestly won't be surprised. _At all_.

Guo Jia: Ooh, we're gonna meet pretty ladies? Sweet!

Jia Xu: **facepalms** Sigh…turns out you're no different either. Didn't I already tell you to not flirt with too many women lest your disease will grow worse because of you overflowing hormones?

Guo Jia: Hehe, come one Jia Xu, have some fun! You can have some of these ladies if you want to.

Jia Xu: I'm a married man, thank you very much. Speaking of which…..aren't you also? [1]

Guo Jia: Uhh….yeah?

Jia Xu: Dear lord.

* * *

 ** _Jin side_**

Sima Yi: At last! We will soon meet many of our long-time generic allies, who've been turned into unique NPCs. With this many help, we will soon rule the entire land! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Zhang Chunhua: My lord, you're getting overblown again.

Sima Yi: Eh? Uhm… **clears throat** S-so what? It's a grand day, after all!

Zhang Chunhua: Well, remember what the doctor said about evil?

Sima Yi: That laughing evilly three times a day would be bad for my heart condition…..

Zhang Chunhua: See? You've hit the limit today. First is when you just beat Kongming at Overwatch, second when you stole Shi's baozi…

Sima Yi: Alright alright, I get it! (Hope Shi didn't hear that last one….) [2]

Sima Zhao: So dad, what're we gonna do here?

Sima Yi: Oh! Right, I forgot to tell you: so here, we're going to meet our generic allies, who's not generic as of now, because they've been given MASSIVE makeover by Koei!

Xiahou Ba: Ooh, sweet! I can't wait! Hope my brothers can get in…..

Zhong Hui: Hmph, what's the point? They'll all be turned into bishounen anyway, even though everyone knows that I am the prettiest bishounen there is.

Deng Ai: Keep telling yourself that. [3]

* * *

 ** _Other side_**

Lu Bu: Hmph! For what purpose we've been summoned here?! How dare they disturb my nap time!

Diaochan: Um, my lord, calm down. Besides it's 2 o'clock already…..

Lu Bu: Well they better have a good reason for it!

Zhang Jiao: Silence, people! I have this message from the Heavens, that we have to wait here until they will send more Yellow Turbans in-

Chen Gong: Wait wait wait….hold on for a sec. One, the message is NOT from the Heavens, and two, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

Dong Zhuo: Yeah, there's no way Koei calls us for _that_!

Yuan Shao: Tch, lemme see that letter! **snatches the letter away from Zhang Jiao** Stupid zealot commoner…..oh?

Lu Bu: What does it say?

Yuan Shao: Hm….it says that we will see our once-generic allies having unique designs, although they're not playable yet…..and what?! 2 hours?!

Lu Bu: Ah, right! I did her some rumors that we'll be seeing the unique designs of our generic allies….what, 2 hours?

Yuan Shao: Yeah….the director said that we have to wait for 2 hours before our not-generic-anymore allies came.

All: WHAAAATTT?!

* * *

And that's where our heroes proceed to wait for 2 boring, dreadful, and sometimes chaotic hours to wait for their finally unique allies and loved ones…..stay tuned for the next chapter!

[1] Jia Xu is married, as seen by the existence of his sons Jia Mu and Jia Fang, as well as his grandchildren and great-grandchildren who would later serve Jin. For that matter, Guo Jia is also, because he had a son named Guo Yi. Kinda makes me wonder why they didn't include a scene where Guo Jia's wife beats him up because he always searches for more vaginas.

[2] This conversation is based on one comment on the video "Dynasty Warriors 8 Jin Cutscenes" on Youtube. Shout out to whoever posted it.

[3] This conversation is based on Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged.


	2. Heartfelt Reunion

In the previous chapter, we've seen our playable heroes to be gathered inside the Koei HQ to meet their freshly unique-designed generic allies. Unfortunately, they have to wait for 2 hours before these former generics can go out and meet them. Meanwhile…

* * *

 **Chapter 2: The Heartfelt Reunion**

* * *

Dressing Room

* * *

?: Alright, you guys. For the longest time, you've been doing well in many battles you participate in, but you still come out being rather not-noteworthy due to your similar faces, which result in your allies having trouble telling each of you apart. However, now, you've been reborn, each with their own unique design and quirks, and even though you're currently unplayable yet, you have equal rights with them. Even though we still yet to give unique designs to many other of your allies, currently you're the ones we have. Now go out, meet your playable friends or family, and watch as they see the new you.

Fan Yufeng (as the spokeswoman of the entire Blast cast): Uhm, sir **raises hand** We…. thank you for such generosity we've received from you and the character designers. But still…. would you kindly tell us your name?

Yuan Shu: Yeah, you've been with us for so long and you haven't told us your name yet!

Sun Yi: Well, you told us that you'll tell us your name and who you are when we're finally free from the generic limbo…

?: Oh…I see, you desire to know the identity of the one who helped you become unique NPCs, yes?

All: **nod together**

?: Ahahahahaha…..well, I shouldn't tell you who I really am, but my name….is Ace. That should suffice from now. NOW GO OUT ALREADY! I ALREADY TOLD THEM TO WAIT FOR 2 HOURS AND THEY RAGED, DO YOU WANT THEM TO WAIT LONGER UNTIL THEY CHOOSE TO WRECK THIS BUILDING TO PIECES?!

All: YES SIR! NO SIR! WE'LL GO OUT IMMEDIATELY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR HELP ACE, BYE-BYE!

And so the former generics rushed out of the dressing room.

* * *

Ace: Phew…. finally. Now I got to inform the playable characters lest they'll burn down the entire building!

Meanwhile, on the Wu side….

Lu Xun and Zhu Ran: Achoo!

Lu Xun: **sniff** Gee Zhu Ran, you too?

Zhu Ran: Yeah… **sniff** Did somebody talk about us?

Lu Xun: Possibly…or maybe they were talking about burning things….

Zhu Ran: Well, since that's our daily activities anyway…

* * *

Ace (on speaker): Attention, everyone.

Everyone turned their attention to the large speaker on the center of the building.

Ace: Ahem. We already sent each of the factions a letter informing you to come to the Koei HQ, to see the new uniquely designed generic NPCs you've been fighting with the entire time-

Guo Huai: Yeah we have, and we almost turned into living corpse because of our waiting!

Jia Chong: Well, I think you're already quite a living corpse yourself.

Guo Huai: What?!

Ace: Now stop it, will you?

Silence…gee, even the crickets are quite *smack!* Nevermind, let's move on

Ace: Thank you. Indeed, I quite apologized for that last bit, due to a mechanical hindrance-

Jia Xu: Tch, that's the best excuse they can come up with? Come on, we all know that that's not really the problem, maybe you got a potty problem or were having sex, like seriously. Does that classic excuse still fool anyone else? Get your brains working, man.

Guo Jia: Heh, I was thinking the same thing. But really, you shouldn't say things like that in a place like this. Though my bet is that they're having problems with the females, if you know what I mean.

Ace: Uhhh…. okay, but nevertheless, we managed to finish the redesigns, and now these unique NPCs shall come see you soon.

Pang Tong: 'Soon'? How soon? Very soon? Soonish? Or the end of time?

Zhuge Liang: **chuckle** You're quite observant, Pang Tong.

Pang Tong: Well, I'll tell you, I will NOT be fooled by these lies that game developers always come up with. [1]

Ace: Uhhh….okay **sweatdrop** Actually, it's now. You can go inside the door right in front of you.

* * *

And so the playable characters walked into a dark room. They are all confused, especially Guo Jia who suddenly gets stabbed in the stomach by Wang Yi who he accidentally groped. Poor guy. However, the lights came up which revealed the former generics, and soon an emotional reunion follows….

Liu Bei: Jian Yong!

Jian Yong: Ah, my old friend Liu Bei! It's so nice to see you again.

Liu Bei: Uhh…yeah. **sees Jian Yong's chest**

Jian Yong: Hm? What's wrong?

Liu Bei: Um, nothing nothing! (I'm still straight, still straight, gotta think Sun Shangxiang nude….oh no!)

Mi Fang (with Fu Shiren): Hey, brother in law!

Liu Bei: Errhh, oh Mi Fang! Good day! Gee, you're looking fine now. How's your brother?

Mi Fang: Elder brother is fine, really, though he had a brief rage on being passed over for me. Not that I can blame him, poor guy got his entire house burned down, and now this. Well, I'm looking forward for my brother and sister to be given unique design, so that you won't be forever alone anymore.

Liu Bei: Forever alone?! Whaddaya mean?

Mi Fang: Well, look, at least even Cao Cao and Sun Jian already had their wives getting unique designs, while you haven't, which is why you became gay, am I right?

Liu Bei: GAY?! I have SSX and am still straight, thank you very much. [2]

Mi Fang: Pfft, really? She always dominates you because you're such a fucking pussy. You could cut down hundreds and hundreds of peons but couldn't conquer over a single woman? Gimme a break.

Liu Bei: Bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-but, bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-but, bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-but- [3]

Guan Yu: Hm? Hey, you! **points the Green Dragon at Mi Fang and Fu Shiren**

Fu Shiren: Wh-whoa! Calm down boss, what are we doing wrong?

Guan Yu: 'Doing wrong'?! You motherfuckers betrayed Shu, caused me to die, and went to Wu!

Zhou Cang: Nuh-uh! And you did that because you wanted to escape Lord Guan Yu's punishment! What a bunch of fucking ball-less pussies!

Huang Hao: Achoo!

Mi Fang: Hey, watch yo mouth! What makes you think we did that?!

Guan Yu: Well, first, I became an all-seeing omnipotent God of War after my death, and I saw what you two ass-suckers did. Two, I checked out Kongming's Archives, and it was true! I should never let you two live at the first place! [4]

Fu Shiren: Uhh….well, not my fault you turned out to be a complete asshole.

Guan Yu: WHAT DIDJA SAY?!

 **BLEEP** This scene did not get past the T rating. On the other side of the same place….

* * *

Zhao Yun: Bogong! Zijun! My beloved boys!

Zhang Yi and Wang Ping: Lord Zilong! **runs towards Zhao Yun in a slo-mo**

Liao Hua: Sigh…..kids these days…..

Zhao Yun: Ahahahaa! I'm so happy to meet you! You all look fresh, pretty and youthful in the true spirit of Shu! I'm so proud of you!

Liao Hua: Uhh…ahem….no respect for the elders? All of you youngsters just go in a merry-berry romantic scene….and I, who served Shu from the beginning to the end, was left out … **whimpers**

Zhao Yun: Oh, Yuanjian! I'm so sorry I didn't notice you, cuz you're a little too generic, even after you're not a generic anymore.

Wang Ping: Maybe that's because you're and old man, not like us.

Liao Hua: Now that's just mean! I mean, unlike you, I actually lived long enough to serve in many Kongming's campaigns and see that retarded shell that Lord Liu Bei calls his son surrendering to Wei. I at least deserve some respect here!

Zhao Yun: Whaaatt?! How dare you call our Lord Liu Shan retarded! You deserve death! **points the Blue Dragon at Liao Hua**

Liao Hua: Sigh…..see?

Huang Zhong: Haha, don't be so down, Yuanjian. It's a given that these naïve youngsters won't respect hardened veterans like us.

Yan Yan: So, just join us and talk about the good ol' days of old, okay?

Liao Hua: Sigh….okay then. I suppose it's alright that Koei still saves some oldies around and not just transform everyone into pretty men…..

* * *

And so that's the characters' reactions to some of the former generics…..I know it's only mostly about Shu and that not many characters are talked about, but that's cuz of the long introduction and I don't want this chapter to be too long. But I promise to talk about more of the characters in the next chapter, so stay tuned!

[1] References Blizzard's annoying tendency to put the word 'Soon" on their future products.

[2] SSX is, quite obviously, Sun Shangxiang, but I explained it here in case that not everyone knew about that and thinks about the old NES game instead.

[3] References Squidward while talking about Bubble Bowl in the episode Band Geeks of Spongebob Squarepants.

[4] Kongming's Archives is a website dedicated to collecting information about the Three Kingdoms period. It's a really useful website, you should check it out if you're interested in the Three Kingdoms period.


	3. Family Matters

And so, continuing from the talk of Liu Bei and his ambiguous sexuality, Guan Yu getting revenge at Mi Fang and Fu Shiren thanks to the information at , as well as veteran Liao Hua being cast aside by the pretty boys of Shu, we will see the other characters' interactions.

* * *

 **Chapter 3: Family Matters**

* * *

Sun Jian: Yi, my third boy! It's good to finally see you to be acknowledged as a member of the exalted Sun family!

Sun Yi: I'm truly honored, father. I can't wait to show all of you what I can do.

Sun Ce: Well, unfortunately you won't live long enough to show your accomplishments. It's a shame.

Sun Shangxiang: I heard it somewhere that you ended up being assassinated by your own subordinates due to your harsh temper. You have to control yourself now that you're unique, despite being only a goatee-less, prettier and more attractive version of Sun Ce.

Sun Ce: Hey, I heard that!

Xushi: Ohoho, it's alright. Even if someone tried to kill you, I'll make sure they'll regret it, ain't it right my dear? [1]

Sun Ce: Damn, your wife is quite a bomb, Yi. You're such a lucky bastard, you know that?

Sun Yi: Uhm? Ehehe…..I guess so.

Sun Ce: Speaking of which, even my other brother Quan also had a bombshell of a wife, while I'm stuck with an underage loli. Why do my brothers always get the best of the best for a fucking partner?!

Daqiao: What did you just say, Lord Sun Ce?! **in a polite tone while smiling, but you can feel a rising hell behind her**

Sun Ce: Uhm, Daqiao?! Urh, no-no! I just said that you're the best of the best of a fucking partner, yes yes, that's it!

Daqiao: Oh really, Milord? Do you truly accept me, with my age being a decade apart from you and the fact that I'm underaged? **raises her two pugil sticks, still smiling**

Sun Ce: Ugh, hell no. OH NO NO YES YES! I ACCEPT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE, YOUR AGE AND- GAAAAHHHHHHH!

Again, this scene didn't get past the T rating, so moving along…..

Wu Guotai: Oh, dear….what's going on there, Jian?

Sun Jian: Hm? Oh! My beloved wife! You're finally here.

Sun Quan, Sun Yi, and Sun Shangxiang: Mom!

Sun Jian: Ah, you're lovely as always, my dear. **tries to kiss her**

Wu Guotai: Now, stop it. Our kids are watching.

Sun Jian: Nah, it's alright. They can get some….'education' to practice on their spouses when it's the time, if you know what I mean.

Wu Guotai: Hmph. Ah, my children! You are all fine, grown men now, ready to bring glory to the legacy that your father left you.

Sun SHangxiang: Uh, mom, I'm a girl.

Wu Guotai: Oh, that's right, I'm sorry I forgot you, but then again you've always been a man since your childhood, anyway. Anyway, Quan, Yi, and Shangxiang are here, but where's Ce?

Sun Ce: **crawling his way out from hell (?)** Grrruuuaaarrgghhhh…..eh? Mom? Mom!

Wu Guotai: Eh? Ohmigod Ce, what happened to you? And, OH NO! YOUR GOATEE'S SHAVED! Who could be cruel enough to do this to you, my little boy?

Sun Quan: I think it's got something to do with household violence.

Wu Guotai: What?! How could such a thing happen? Ce, you should know that you should treat your wife with respect. She already devoted her entire life to you, so when this happens, the blame's on you! Understand?

Sun Ce: Errrghhhh….alright, mom….(but really….Mom doesn't know the true monster Daqiao is….eh, not that it matters, anyway….)

Sun Yi: Um, speaking of which, mother…..not to offend or anything, but how could you look so beautiful? Eh wait, that came out wrong. Anyway, you're a mother to Ce, Quan, me, Shangxiang, as well as Kuang, and we're all adult now. But you still look as youthful as always….

Lianshi: That's right, mother-in-law. Do you have a special anti-aging cream or something?

Xushi: If that's so, I think Lianshi and me should try it!

Lianshi: Wow, you speak just what I think! [2]

Sun Quan: True, mother. Even father looks right about his age whereas you….don't.

Wu Guotai: Um, well….I don't know myself.

Sun Shangxiang: Meh, it's blatantly for fanservice reasons. Koei pretty much won't include an old woman into their game, and made everyone into pretty girls, regardless of their age.

Sun Jian: Well, regardless of what it is, I am glad that my family is here at last, though we're missing my other sons, Kuang and Lang. We will work hard for the glory of the Suns!

Sun Ce, Quan, Yi, an Shangxiang: Yeah!

Wu Guotai: …Lang? Who's that?

Sun Yi: Uh-oh…

Sun Quan: Dad just made a grave mistake…..

Sun Shangxiang: Seem like he forgot to NOT mention our half-brother's name around mom….

Sun Ce: **facepalm**

Sun Jian: …..(oh shit! Why did I forgot?!) Um…

Wu Guotai: Jian…..we did not have a son named Lang, did we?

Sun Jian: Uh, ummm….. (help me!)

Wu Guotai: Or…..did YOU? Are you cheating on me, my husband?!

Sun Jian: Um, no! I honestly didn't, Lang is my nephew- eep!

Wu Guotai; Grrrhhhh…. **again, you can see hell rising behind her** YOU CHEATING BASTARD!

Sun Jian: AAAIIIEEEEEKKKKK! [3]

This scene didn't get past the T- oh, you know what? Fuck it.

Sun Ce, Quan, Yi, and Shangxiang: **jawdrop**

Sun Ce: …..I thought we already told him to NOT mention Lang.

Sun Quan: Thus the Tiger of Jiangdong has fallen….

Sun Yi: Father might be a tiger, but mother... **shudder**

Sun Shangxiang: Hmmm….first Ce, now father. I wonder if it runs in the family…..[4]

* * *

At other side on the same place…..

Lu Kang: Father!

Lu Xun: My son! **hugs**

Lu Kang; Father, please forgive me….I wasn't able to protect our kingdom when Wei invades, and our kingdom was conquered, even though I'm your son and the grandson of the Little Conqueror himself…..[5]

Lu Xun: Aw, don't be so down, my son. You've tried your best after all.

Sun Ce: Hm? Hey, it's you!

Lu Kang: Eh? No way….aren't you Sun Ce? My grandfather?

Sun Ce: Of course! From the Nine Golden Springs I've already seen your tremendous efforts to block the invasion of those Wei scums considering how little noteworthy warriors of Wu are left at the time, and even though you failed, you still brought honor to your father's and the Sun family name! Oh, how proud am I to have such a fine granddaughter like you! **hugs Lu Kang**

Lu Knag: Oof! Uhh….

Lu Xun: Granddaughter? Uh, Lord Sun Ce…..

Sun Ce: Lu Xun? What is it? You're worried that I might take her in as a concubine?

Lu Xun: No, it's that-

Sun Ce: Haha, don't worry. I won't do such a thing, that's sick. And plus, **feeling Daqiao's rising murderous aura behind him** even though she's pretty, my wife Daqiao is still the prettiest! **Daqiao's murderous aura subsides** (and Lu Kang is also underaged, by the way. I won't collect numerous lolis to my harem. I'm not a pedophile.)

Lu Xun: No! It's that….

Lu Kang: Grandfather, I'm actually your grandson.

Sun Ce: My… **cracking glass sound effect** …..grandson.

Lu Xun: **takes Lu Kang away from Sun Ce** I'm sorry that you have to experience something like that, my son.

Lu Kang: Father, it's alright. I'm used to it.

* * *

Meanwhile, on the other area…

Cao Cao: Ha! This is truly splendid! Now that Cao Hong's here, my full cousin team is now complete!

Cao Hong: Thank you, thank you.

Xiahou Yuan: Speaking of which, that's kinda an odd helmet of yours, Cao Hong.

Xiahou Dun: Yeah….it kinda resembles cousin's (Cao Cao) brain tumor. [6]

Cao Cao: Hey!

Cao Hong: I don't know myself…..the character designer told me that this helmet is the sole notable clothing trait of mine since he can't add any noteworthy physical features to me.

Cao Ren: Maybe he did it to emphasize that you're….a bighead.

Xiahou Dun, Xiahou Yuan, and Cao Cao: YYYEEEEAAAHHHH!

Cao Hong: Hey!

Bianshi: Um, excuse me.

Cao Cao: Ah! My beloved Empress! Now come here, sweetie. Now that you're here, my life is complete.[7]

Bianshi: Stop it, you're making me embarrassed, especially in front of your cousins.

Cao Cao: Don't be so shy about it. Anything for you after all, my dear.

Xiahou Dun, Xiahou Yuan, Cao Ren and Cao Hong: Awwww…..

Xiahou Dun: Cousin sure knows how to melt a woman's heart.

Xiahou Yuan: Feeling a bit jealous, cousin?

Xiahou Dun: What?! Of course not! First, I'm his cousin, it would be incest. Second, it's his wife, why should I be jealous? I have one of my own. Third, as I said before, I have a wife, thank you very much.

Xiahou Yuan: Hoo, I see. Still, don't you think that Lord Cao Cao has a perfect wife? She's beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, and modest. Truly, she's our Queen, a mother to us all in Wei. I'm actually jealous of Lord Cao Cao, to have that woman as a wife. I wish I had one like her, too.

Cao Pi: Mother!

Bianshi: Oh, Pi! I see, you're indeed a fine young man, just like your father.

Cao Pi: Thank you, mother.

Cao Cao: Don't forget that this is also from your mother's teaching as well.

Bianshi; Speaking of which, I also brought your brother Zhi, and his wife.

The moment Cao Zhi and his wife Cuishi come up, you can see Cao Pi having a thunderous glare at Zhi.

Cao Zhi: Hi, everyone. Sorry that I'm a bit late, my wife Cuishi was begging to shop a bit more.

Cuishi: Yeah, all of that discount clothes! You're a meanie to not buy them for me!

Cao Zhi: Ugh, seriously, have you every thought to NOT shop that many clothes?!

Cuishi: Meh, I'm a princess, I can have anything I want.

Cao Cao: Umm….okay, Zhi, I'm so happy that you're here now-

Cao Pi: But not me!

Everyone turn to Cao Pi.

Cao Pi: You! **points his finger at Cao Zhi** I know what you're here for. You intend to get my wife, Zhenji. I know what you two have been doing, even before you became unique! But no! I will not let that happen! Now come and fight me! [7]

Bianshi: Pi, what are you doing? Your brother's not-

Cao Pi: Stay out of this, mother! This is a battle between men!

Zhenji: My ord, you don't understand! He was simply trying to-

Cao Pi: I said it before Zhenji, this is a battle between MEN! Now, don't think you can use your sucky poems against me!

Cao Zhi simply smiles. He took out his iPad Pro (What? How come such things exist? Author: This is modern era. Besides, it's a parody. Anything is viable. Oh, okay.), types a few things, then read it out loud.

 _Seeing the beautiful sunset like no other_

 _A couple wonders, "It's indeed a beautiful life,"_

 _Angry, he points out, "I will not let you have her,"_

 _And I said, 'Said the man who cheats on and murdered his wife."_

All except Cao Pi and Cao Zhi: OOOOOHHHH! BIZAAAATCH YA GOT SERRVEDD!

Cao Pi: Ghak! Tch….sh-shut up!

Cao Zhi: Well, I'm simply saying the truth, Brother.

Cao Pi: W-well, you always use cheap shots against me instead of a combat like a real man. Which means you're a sissy.

All except Cao Pi and Cao Zhi: OOOOOHHHH! REVENGE BUUURRRNNN!

Cao Zhi: Haha…didn't the Art of War say to use deception and ruses to get a battle quickly done?

Cao Pi: ….

Cao Zhi: Now, don't you see brother, that you can't win against me? I'm your little brother, after all. The big brother always loses.

Cao Pi: Tch, fuck it! It's one of the most overused cliché, which isn't even good at the first place! Screw it!

Cao Cao: Okay, okay, now that this 'rap battle' is over, I'd like to thank you all for assisting me in my conquest, even moreso now that you're unique. Although my other sons Ang, Zhang, and Xiong haven't got the fortune of being unique, to see my favorite son, Zhi here, is more than enough.

Cao Zhi: Thank you, father.

Cuishi: ….hey, speaking of which, do you truly desire Cao Pi's wife Zhenji? Do you think I'm not beautiful enough?!

Cao Zhi: Eh?! Umm…

Cuishi: But I already bought all the finest discount clothes in all the department stores here! What do I lack? Huh? HUH?!

Cao Zhi: No, it's that, umm…

Cao Cao: Hm….. **senses immediate danger** now, my family, maybe we can mover over to leave my son and my daughter-in-law….more room to be lovey-dovey….okay?!

You can probably guess what happens next.

* * *

Okay, now that's the third chapter, focusing mostly in the family affairs of the Sun and Cao family. I know I made some REALLY horrible jokes, but I already did my best. (Along with a rather epic fail attempt at poetry…..) I promise I will update this everyday, so keep on reading, okay? Thanks!

[1] This is based on a particularly famous event in which Sun Yi got assassinated in a banquet by two of his subordinates (forgot the names) after his wife told him to not go. After that, they desire his wife, Xushi, who later used her beauty and guile to seduce them and lure them to their deaths to avenge her husband.

[2] Kudos to whoever red the novel and recognized this (somewhat) infamous line.

[3] Okay, just to clear things up. Sun Jian had four sons (and a daughter) by his wife Lady Wu/Wu Guotai. However, his fifth, Lang, was not born of Lady Wu/Wu Guotai, but rather a concubine, which was rumored to be Lady Wu/Wu Guotai's sister.

[4] Now, we all know that SSX is pretty much the one who wore pants in her marriage with Liu Bei, so yes, it DOES run in the family.

[5] Lu Xun's wife and Lu Kang's mother was the unnamed daughter of Sun Ce.

[6] Historically, it was believed that Cao Cao had a brain tumor that caused his frequent headaches, and it's believed to be the cause of his death.

[7] It was also rumored that Lady Zhen/Zhenji actually fell for Cao Zhi and not Cao Pi, and that they had an affair, to the point where Cao Pi and Zhenji's son Cao Rui was actually Cao Zhi's son (then again, it's mostly spread by Guo Nuwang who wanted Zhenji dead anyway). Her beauty is also what inspired Cao Zhi to make a poem about her, comparing her to the Lake Goddess or something (which caused the rumors at the first place).

Also, I intended to include ALL DW characters in Blast, but can somebody tell me who Liushi is? Koei doesn't have an article for her, so I don't who she is. She wears red, so I suppose she's in Wu, but I'm not so sure. Please tell me if anyone knows, thanks.


	4. Legendary Generals

**Response to RosyMiranto18: Hm, I don't think I'll count the Older Qiao's cards, cuz they're from existing characters and thus not 'new'. Oh I see, so that's why she's in Wu. Thanks! Yeah, I've red that comic too. It's too fuckin' hilarious XD.**

* * *

So, we've already seen some pretty nasty household violence and battle between siblings (gee, the DW families are sure all dysfunctional, eh?). Let's see the responses between old friends.

* * *

Chapter 4: Legendary Generals

* * *

Sun Jian: Master Cheng! Good greetings, my old friend! **brofist**

Cheng Pu: Lord Sun Jian! **brofist** I'm truly honored to be finally unique and join you here! A lot of the fans have been requesting my playable appearance, although Koei, for some reason, never wanted to include me and is seemingly only intent on adding more pretty boys to the game. However, now that I'm unique, it seems I have a potential. I hope that Koei will add me in DW9. I truly can't wait to satisfy my fans with my power!

Huang Gai: Now that's the spirit, Master Cheng! We, Sun Jian's 5 Braves, will show the world our battle-hardened power and show those pretty men how you do it! [1]

Sun Jian, Cheng Pu, Huang Gai: YEAH!

Han Dang: Um…guys? Did you forget me?

Sun Jian: Oh, Master Han Dang! We're terribly sorry, we forgot you, even though you're also a part of us.

Han Dang: **whimper** Now that's just mean….everyone here seemingly forgot my very existence! Even my own veteran allies! **cry cry**

Cheng Pu: Now, now, please don't cry, Master Han Dang. We're sorry, we just happened to not recognize you.

Han Dang: That's what I've been told the entire time! I want EVERYONE to acknowledge my existence! Like seriously, just that I'm not a pretty boy caused everyone to forget about me! Like, what am I? Chopped liver? **cry cry**

Huang Gai: ….it seems to be the best course that we let him to release all of his frustrations.

Sun Jian: So, anyway, we already have Huang Gai, Cheng Pu, and….who's his name again?

Han Dang: THE NAME'S HAN DANG! PLEASE DON'T FORGET IT! **continues crying** [2]

Sun Jian: Ah yes, Han Dang, but it's unfortunate that we don't have Zu Mao here yet. With his addition, my badass crew's all complete.

Cheng Pu: Well, I'd say that he didn't do very much. He only disguised himself as you to save your life. The he died.

Huang Gai: It's a shame, really. If he lived, maybe all three of us can con continue doing big things for the three generations of Sun family.

Han Dang: IT'S FOUR! **continues crying**

Huang Gai: Ah yes, four. Geez, why do we always forget about him?

Cheng Pu: **raises shoulders**

* * *

At the other side….

Xu Sheng: Ding Feng! My friend!

Ding Feng: Your voice's too loud.

Xu Sheng: Well, I'd say it's a good thing! Our enemies will know of our presence with that kind of voice! I'd like to smash things open and make sure that they KNOW what's coming to them!

Sun Quan: Gee, Xu Sheng, you're a little too uppity.

Xu Sheng: Hmph, of course! A warrior must always get his blood boiling when he plunges into a fight!

Zhou Tai: My lord….this room is suddenly….hot.

Sun Quan: What do you expect from someone like Xu Sheng, eh? Still, Xu Sheng, you are always known as Ding Feng's best friend, and seeing how Ding Feng looks like here, I half-expected you to look the same. Instead….you're yet another hot-blooded bishounen half his height. [3]

Xu Sheng: Well, what's the problem with that?! I personally don't mind, since I'm both a bishounen AND hot-blooded, I can get more fangirls in to the series! And besides, Ding Feng's a scary giant who likes POETRY. Ew, I'm not into that kind of shit. I just like to split trees in half with my bare hands! Hyaaah! **split a table nearby with his bare hands**

Sun Quan: HEY! Do you know how expensive that thing is?!

Ding Feng: I usually search for beauty inside carnage….Xu Sheng….is a carnage inside beauty…..

Jiang Qin: Hey, am I late to the party? Oh, Zhou Tai! It's you, matey!

Zhou Tai: Jiang Qin.

Jiang Qin: Haha, I know I still kinda use that 'pirate talk', but it's a good thing to reminisce about our pirate days! Arr!

Zhou Tai: …..stop.

Jiang Qin: Yeah, yeah, I know, it's corny as fuck. Even Gan Ning won't talk like that. But anyways, how's your life?

Zhou Tai: Fine.

Jiang Qin: Really? That's good to hear. We've been through much shit as Lord Sun Quan's bodyguard, and even then I was always a generic and you always get the spotlight! Hell, even Lord Sun Quan's WIFE essentially stole my role. Oh well, now that I'm unique, I hope I can get in some action.

Zhou Tai: Yes.

Jiang Qin: Then again, you've been his bodyguard when he's still a kid, and you almost died from that, a level of bravery I can never hope to achieve. Hey, I heard that when Lord Sun Quan's drunk, he told you to strip down to show all of your battle scars, right? [4]

Zhou Tai: ….yes.

Jiang Qin: Umm, not to sound rude or anything but…do you have….you know…that sort of relationship with-

Zhou Tai: NO.

Jiang Qin: Oh, that's good to hear. I'd just like to clarify, after all, we actually had that sort of relationship with fellow cabin mates, since there's no girls around-

Zhou Tai: **points his katana at Jiang Qin**

Jiang Qin: …..oooookkkkaaaayyyy. I forgot, you had a son now. I'm sorry. Ahem, excuse me. [5]

* * *

On the other corner...

Ling Tong: Huh? Father, is that you?

Ling Cao: Hey, Tong! I finally found you!

Ling Tong: No way…father, you're…you're alive.

Ling Cao: Hm? Of course I am, why do you- **gets hugged by Ling Tong** huh?!

Ling Tong: **crying** Fa-father…..you're still alive….

Ling Cao: Huh? Come on son, why are you crying? It's seem like I just died or something….

Ling Tong: Well, you DID die, father! You died when fighting a bunch of pirates on Huang Zu's command…..I spent my life trying to kill him to avenge you, but I ended up being his best friend, or boyfriend in the eyes of fangirls, against my will! Now that you're alive…I don't need to kill him anymore….

Ling Cao: Pirates? Oh, you mean the ones under the command of Gan Ning.

Suddenly, a familiar ring of bells was heard…

Gan Ning: Hey, Ling Tong! Is that your father?

Ling Tong: **gasp** Dad, look out! **knocks Gan Ning down**

Ling Cao: Huh?!

Gan Ning: Hey? Ouch! What the fuck was that?!

Ling Tong: Shut up! I won't let you touch my father!

Ling Cao: My son, how did you-

Ling Tong: It's the bells, father. They wear them to warn their enemy. So, when you hear the bells, run.

Gan Ning: Get off me! **pushes Ling Tong back** Come on, I was just trying to greet you, and this is the kind of response I get?!

Ling Tong: I said shut up! **hits Gan Ning** My name is Ling Tong. You will NOT kill my father. Prepare to die!

Gan Ning: Oh, seriously! That was a long time ago!

Ling Tong: Yes, but seeing that, this time I will not let you near my father!

Ling Cao: Son, it's okay!

Ling Tong: Shut up, dad! I'm trying to stop this bell freak from harming you again!

Gan Ning: Sigh…seriously, what a daddy's girl!

Ling Tong: Hey! I'm not a girl!

Gan Ning: But you sure do certainly look like one!

This scene did not get past the T rating for violence, or for the yaoi fangirls, for sexual content. Whichever way you interpret it. Moving on to Shu side…..

* * *

Zhuge Liang: I see that you two are finally unique. I'm proud.

Ma Liang: I'm honored, Lord Zhuge Liang.

Ma Su: Ha! Now the entire world will witness the power of the Ma Bros.!

Ma Liang: Ew, we're certainly not going around shouting that, are we?

Ma Su: What? It's awesome! It's kinda like Mario Bros, except without the Rio and the moustache! It's gonna be fun!

Ma Liang: Sigh

Zhuge Liang: Uhhh…okay….but still, Ma Su, don't be too cocky or else you'll fail.

Ma Su: Yeah, yeah, I get it. Anyway, I just had to do this in order to convince Lord Liu Bei! How dare he to not trust me! I'll show him what I can do!

Ma Liang: Such as getting your ass kicked by a transsexual? Hey, coming to think that (s)he kicked your ass from behind…oh dear, that sounds so dirty.

Zhuge Liang: **tries to hide his laugh behind his fan**

Ma Su: W-what?! Of course not!

Ma Liang: Actually, I kinda feel odd bout my appearance. Why do I have skunk stripes on my hair? It makes me look like Guo Huai. Hell no, I'm certainly not like that sickly twat!

* * *

Somewhere…

Guo Huai: ACHOO!

Zhuge Dan: Master Guo Huai! Your disease seems to be getting worse.

Guo Huai: **cough cough** No…I actually felt like somebody's talking about me.

Zhuge Dan: Didn't we experience this already? Gee, seems like this whole "if you're sneezing, somebody's talking about you" superstition's becoming a running gag….

* * *

Back again….

Zhuge Liang: Hmm…reason one, Koei staffs think it's cool. Reason two, so that they can include your infamous 'white eyebrows' without making you an old man.

Ma Liang: Thought so…damn those Koei staff and their pretty boy fetish!

* * *

At the other side….Jin's, to be exact.

Yang Hu: Brother-in-law!

Sima Shi: Hm? Oh, Yang Hu!

Yang Hu: I'm glad I finally get to be with you guys.

Sima Zhao: Oh hey! It's you! You're the one who would later aid my son in uniting the kingdom, right?

Yang Hu: Of course! It's a shame though, that I died before it happens. Fortunately, I have this friend of mine, Du Yu who conquered Wu for me!

Du Yu: Pleased to meet you.

Sima Zhao: Du Yu? Pfftt…AKAHAKAHKAHAKHAKAKAHKAHKAHAKHAHAHAHAHA!

Sima Shi, Yang Hu, and Du Yu: ?

Sima Zhao: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Du…Yu?! Pfft...AHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAAAAHHAAAA! WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS THAT ANYWAY?! AHKAKAKAKAKAKKAKAKAAAAHHKKK! [6]

Yang Hu: ….something wrong with him?

Sima Shi: It's Zhao. Don't question. Brother-in-law, I hope you don't mind my brother's infidelity. You're not offended, are you? [7]

Du Yu: It's alright. I know it's bound to happen anyway.

Yang Hu: Good thing his son turned out normal. Anyway, I think it's kinda unfortunate that my sister can't get in yet.

Sima Shi: I know. My brother, and even my father already had their hot wives- wait, that came out wrong. While I, remained forever alone! **cry cry**

Yang Hu: **pats Sima Shi in the back** It's alright, it's alright. Just pray that she'll too come in, so that you won't be desperate anymore to bang your brother's wife.

Sima Shi: W-wha? How do you?

Du Yu: Hm? You called me?

Sima Shi: Not Du Yu! Do! YOU! Argh, whatever, it sounds the same anyway.

Yang Hu: Well….Sima Yan told me that his mother has had some…'shady practices' with his uncle. Then again, he said it was just rumors.

Sima Shi: …

Yang Hu: Ah, whatever. Let's go Du Yu. By the way, I kinda always wondered if you're actually Chinese or not….I mean, you look British rather than Chinese.

Du Yu: Said the man with light brown hair.

Yang Hu: Touché. Hey, that's my aunt! Aunt Wenji! [8]

Cai Wenji: Oh, Yang Hu! My, it's truly been years since I last met you and your mother. How's them?

Yang Hu: They're fine, sister also.

Cai Wenji: That's good to hear. AAAAHHH! FOREIGNER! [9]

Du Yu: Huh? What's wrong with you aunt?

Yang Hu: Ehhh? Um, calm down auntie! He's not a foreigner! He's my friend, Du Yu.

Cai Wenji: Oh, my bad….what's his name again?

Yang Hu: Du Yu.

Cai Wenji: Du?

Du Yu: Yu.

Cai Wenji: Du….Yu. Pffftt…..KYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

Du Yu: **jawdrop**

Yang Hu: I'm sorry…not even my aunt is different. You could adopt a new name if you want.

Du Yu: …..fuck. IT.

* * *

So that's the fourth chapter folks….due to some miracle today I'm able to post 2 chapters! Yay! Pray so that I can continue upload two chapters a day and get this fic done, Amen. I know, this is the first time I included Jin, cuz I just kinda forgot in the last two chapters. Oh well. Please Review, and continue reading this fic! Good day!

[1] Sun Jian's 5 Braves isn't the actual name for this group. I just came up with it and included it because it sounds cool, like the Sanada Ten Braves.

[2] This is Han Dang's actual quote in DW8 when you select him before the start of the stage. Of course, he didn't actually YELL it; that's my idea.

[3] This is the Author's true story. I red the novel before I came to check the DW Blast desgins, and seeing as how Xu Sheng was Ding Feng's bash brother in the novel, I too expected him to be big, burly muscled men. Instead, that design was given to Jiang Qin, and what we have for Xu Sheng here is yet another young hot-blooded bishounen general. I was actually genuinely surprised. However, it's not that I got anything against bishounens, it's just that I'm surprised that Xu Sheng's turned into one. Maybe to incorporate some 'strong guy, girly guy' routine with Ding Feng? Ding Feng is big and burly but likes poetry, Xu Sheng is pretty and handsome but likes to split trees open with his bare hands….yeah….just my imagination, really.

[4] This historically happened. Sun Quan, while drunk, told Zhou Tai to strip down in public to show his scar-covered body to show Sun Quan's gratitude of him. Well, in vino veritas, so take that what you will.

[5] Zhou Tai had two sons historically, Zhou Shao and Zhou Cheng.

[6] This is also Author's true story. I know that it's Chinese, but the DW characters still speak English, anyway. So I guess it's bound to happen.

[7] Du Yu is also Sima Shi's brother-in-law, as he married Sima Yi's daughter and Sima Shi's half-sister Princess Gaolingxuan.

[8] Yang Hu's mother was the sister of Cai Wenji.

[9] Inspired by San Three Kingdoms Comic, specifically the 189th panel.


	5. Glorious Mini-Kingdoms

So, we already focused on all the four major kingdoms, but this time, let's see the reunion of the Other characters!

* * *

 **Chapter 5: Glorious Mini-Kingdoms**

* * *

Dong Zhuo: Gwahaha! At last! My faithful underlings have been included in my flock, now nothing will stop my dream of paradise!

Empress He: Not so fast, you idiot glob of fat! I am still the Empress here! All of you should obey me!

Dong Zhuo: What! What insolence! You're lucky that Li Ru isn't unique yet, otherwise I'll tell him to poison you again! Li Jue, Guo Si, take her away!

Li Jue and Guo Si: Right away, sir! **carry Empress He**

Empress He: What?! How dare you to disrespect your Empress and- HEY! STOP SQUEEZING MY ASS! **hits both Li Jue and Guo Si**

Li Jue and Guo Si: Yeow!

Li Jue: It wasn't me Ma'am, it's that ugly fat SOB who did it!

Guo Si: You were sayin'! It was this creepy gypsy!

Li Jue: No, you!

Guo Si: You!

Empress He: SILENCE! Are you going to throw me away to the window or not?!

Li Jue and Guo Si: Oh, right. **throw Empress He out of the window**

Empress He: Oh shit! Why did I say that- hey you, stop it! Help me- AHHHHHHH!

Dong Zhuo: Hmph! Now that's what you get for disobeying me!

Dong Bai: Of course grandpa! We, the Dong clan shall stand absolute!

Dong Zhuo: Precisely, my dear granddaughter! Now, let your dear grandpa kiss you!

Dong Bai: Ugh! Hell no!

Dong Zhuo: But why? **whimper**

Li Jue and Guo Si: **tries to hold their throwup**

Dong Bai: Uhh…yeah, you're my grandpa, but you're UGLY. As FUCK. Infact, I'm not even sure if you're my grandpa at all.

Dong Zhuo: ….. **cries**

Li Jue: Psst, Guo Si.

Guo Si: What?

Li Jue: I too, have been wondering about that for a long time. Infact, if you think about it, Dong Bai actually looks more like Lu Bu's daughter.

Guo Si: Ooh, a scandal!

Li Jue: Be quiet! But still, I too won't be surprised! Ahaha!

Zhang Xiu: Come on, Jia Xu! You have to come with me!

Jia Xu: Sigh…..for the last. FUCKING. TIME, Zhang Xiu, I am NOT going back to Dong Zhuo, even with you! Now get your hands off my feet!

Zhang Xiu: But I'm lonely there! My uncle isn't unique yet, and my auntie Zoushi is with Dong Zhuo now, so you're my only friend! Come on!

Jia Xu: Hell. NO!

Zhang Xiu: Please…?!

Jia Xu: NO! AND DON'T CLING TO MY SASH TOO!

Zhang Xiu: But why?!

Jia Xu: Because the people in Dong Zhuo are a bunch of freaks! Li Jue looks like a gypsy, Guo Si is practically no different than Dong Zhuo, Dong Bai seems to be a product of affair, Hua Xiong looks so European it's creepy, your aunt Zoushi is a slut, and YOU! Especially YOU! ARE A WHINY BITCH! NOW GET OFFA ME!

Zhang Xiu: **lets go of Jia Xu, rolls in the ground while crying**

Zoushi: Oh my….Zhang Xiu, why are you crying?

Zhang Xiu: Huhuhu….hm? Oh auntie! Jia Xu is so mean to me! **cries again**

Zoushi: Oh…well, in that case, let me take you somewhere fun, okay?

Zhang Xiu: Really? Yay! [1]

* * *

Somewhere else…

Diaochan: Father?

Wang Yun: Diaochan, my little girl! Ah! **falls down**

Diaochan: Father! Are you alright?

Wang Yun: I'm…okay….don't worry about me.

Diaochan: I'm so glad, father, now that you're unique. But this doesn't mean you have to overexert yourself.

Wang Yun: I told you I'm fine….uh?! **stares at Diaochan's boobs, gets a nosebleed** Aieeekk! My heart! **gets a heart attack, falls on the ground again**

Diaochan: Father?! FATHER!

 **BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP** Please wait….

Wang Yun: Uhhh…

Diaochan: Father! You're alright?!

Wang Yun: I'm alright! The question is: are you?! What the hell makes you think it's okay to go to a battlefield with such a slutty costume like that?!

Diaochan: Um…well…

Wang Yun: Like, seriously, you used to wear ACTUAL clothes. Now it's practically just a bunch scraps of clothes sewn together that was only made to cover your no-no zones!

Diaochan: Well….the character designer's the one who gave me this…

Wang Yun; And you just accepted it?! What the hell's wrong with you?!

Diaochan: I dunno….he said that it's fine because this way, I can actually defeat enemies without actually whipping them- wait, that sounds wrong.

Wang Yun: (Of course you can defeat them without any combat! They'll nosebleed to death with that kind of outfit!)

Diaochan: Umm…father?

Wang Yun: Sigh…nevermind. Hm..speaking of which…are you busy right now? **smiling devilishly**

Diaochan: Umm, Lord Lu Bu said she wanted me to have a 'meeting' with him…ah! **has her hand grabbed by Wang Yun**

Wang Yun: Nah, that idiot's not the one to be complied. Now come here and let your father give you a 'lesson'….Ohohohohohohoooo…..

* * *

I know, that's disgusting. Oh well, she was adopted anyway, so it's not incest. Moving along…..

Lu Bu: At last! I have finally mustered enough strength to rule over this pitiful land of vermin!

All ('cept Zang Ba): We will march for the glory of Lu Bu! [2]

Lu Bu: Ha! These vermin's got nothing against all of you! First of all, my trusty top general, Gao Shun!

Gao Shun: My lord! It's an honor to be here. I promise to give everything for you!

Zhang Liao, Chen Gong, Lu Lingqi: Awww…

Gao Shun: Now that wasn't a love declaration!

Zhang Liao, Chen Gong, Lu Lingqi: Sorry.

Zhang Liao: Speaking of which, I'm glad that you're finally here, Zang Ba.

Zang Ba: …..

Zhang Liao: Eh? You're not speaking anything? Hello?

Zang Ba: …..

Zhang Liao: Hmm...even Zhou Tai speaks one or two lines, but you're completely silent. Oh well. It compensates for that adorable babyface of yours.

Zang Ba: **punches Zhang Liao**

Zhang Liao: Yeow!...sorry.

* * *

On the other side…wait is that corner sparkling golden? Eh, wait. Nevermind.

Yuan Shao: Now that my top generals, Wen Chou and Yan Liang, are finally here, no one shall withstand the glory of the Yuans!

Wen Chou and Yan Liang: YOOSSHH!

Yuan Shu: Hm! 'tis a pitiful land indeed! Everyone is always busy with his own pitiful flock of warriors while, I, the Emperor, am ignored! All of you! Respect me, the almighty Son of Heaven, Yuan Shu of the invincible Zhong Dynasty! BOW! TO! MEEEEEE!

 **cricket sounds**

Fengshi: Sigh…. **facepalms**

Yuanji: Dad, you went overboard again. Nobody's gonna respect you that way.

Yuan Shu: What! That is nonsense! I already have some importance after being a generic for so long! I already have my waifu, my daughter, and my top general Ji Ling! Everyone have to acknowledge my existence now!

Yuan Shao: That's because you ARE irrelevant, foolish brother.

Yuan Shu: What! How dare you to disrespect me! Even though you're my brother, you shall be punished!

Yuan Shao: Try me, chippy! It's not like I'm the kinda guy who refused to send supplies to someone even though it's urgent, and died due to hunger soon after! Go after them, my boys!

Wen Chou and Yan Liang: Alright, boss!

Yuan Shu: Bah! You sent two?! I only need one general to do the same amount of killing as with them! Show 'em how's it done, Ji Ling!

Ji Ling: Right away, boss!

Everyone else in the room: Ooh! Battle! Battle!

Wen Chou: Alright! I shall demonstrate my prowess! Hey you! Tu madre es una puta! [3]

Ji Ling: Huh?! Hey, the fuck are you sayin'?! Speak Chinese!

Wen Chou: **grabs Ji Ling, then piledrives him**

Everyone else in the room: WHOOOOO!

Yan Liang: Now, Wen Chou, my turn! **runs up to Ji Ling** Hey you! You know who I am?!

Ji Ling: Uhhh….. **still dizzy, sees up to Yan Liang, who has bishie sparkles** my….you are so…beautiful…..[4]

Yan Liang: Exactly. **proceeds to beat up Ji Ling**

Ji Ling: Uh…what?! Yoew! Ow! Aiek! Ouch! Ow ow owowowowowowowow! Stop it- ouw! I was complimenting you- ouch! Ah!

Yan Liang: Works every time. **walks away**

Some random announcer: And the winner goes to Team Yuan Shao!

Yuan Shu: What! How can this be possible?! **runs up to Ji Ling** Hey, Ji Ling! You okay?

Ji Ling: Uhhrrrggghhh…

Yuan Shao: Whoooo! My boys, I know you can do it!

Wen Chou: Of course, sir! Nobody can withstand the power of "Dreamy Hell"! [5]

Yan Liang: We've been practicing that move to strong enemies, and NO ONE has ever survived it!

Wen Chou and Yan Liang: The power of Y.S.F.T is unstoppable! [6]

Ji Ling: Hey….at least….you go on….a date…with…..me….? **faints**

Yuan Shu: Aaaaahhhh! Ji Ling! Noooo! Agh, curse my brother! It's not like he has, you know, KILLED Dong Zhuo?! He only claimed to do so despite it really being Lu Bu's doing and now he's smug as fuck!

Fengshi: Look who's talking.

Yuan Shu: What! Really, in the times like these, even my own family are against me.

Fengshi: But Yuan Shao's your family as well, right?

Yuan Shu: Well, he IS my family but it's different, what I meant is my core family, which includes my wife and children- Agh, you know what? Forget it.

Yuanji: …..seriously, Dad. I'm ashamed of you. I'll go to marry my boyfriend.

Yuan Shu: Your boyfriend?! YOU NEVER TOLD YOUR DADDY YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND?!

Yuanji: Umm….that's because I was starting to date him after you died.

Yuan Shu: What! And who is this boyfriend you never told me of?!

Yuanji: Sun Quan. That's it Dad, I don't want to talk to you anymore. You're the worst father in the world. Bye. **runs away**

Yuan Shu: Sun Quan….son of Sun Jian?! My enemy?! Hey, little lady! Come in here! You're NOT marrying that red-haired rat! [7]

Yuanji: Lalalalalalalalala…..I'm not listening! Lalalalalala…

Yuan Shao: Now that my brother's finished, let us march to purge that rebel, Dong Zhuo and flatten his oversized ass! Move on, boys!

Wen Chou and Yan Liang: Yessir!

Dong Zhuo: Hm? What is this? That pompous walking mass of gold is marching AGAIN to kill me? This is unforgivable! Lu Bu, take them out!

Li Jue: Um, sir, Lu Bu has already made his own faction. He's not counted within our forces anymore.

Dong Zhuo: Oh right, I forgot. In that case, Hua Xiong! Take them out!

Hua Xiong: Right away, sir! **walks to Yuan Shao** YOUUUU! SHALL NOT! PAAASSS!

Wen Chou: Argh! He seems strong. Yan Liang, use that again!

Yan Liang: Alright!

Hua Xiong: Hmph! Attempting to use Dreamy Hell on me, eh? Well it won't work- Eh? **was already piledrived by Wen Chou**

Wen Chou: Hablas demasiado. Well, it always happened on Bond villains anyway. Yan Liang! [8]

Yan Liang: Right! **walks up to Hua Xiong** Hey! You know who I am?

Hua Xiong: Grrrgghhh… **still dizzy, sees up to Yan Liang, who has bishie sparkles** a…goddess….?

Yan Liang: Of death. **beats up Hua Xiong** Now that was too easy. **walks away**

Hua Xiong: **suddenly stand up** Grrrgghh….my…god…dess…

Yan Liang: …eh? What? AIEEEEKK!

Hua Xiong: Please….don't…leave…me! I love you! Come to me!

Yan Liang: Ahh?! AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! **runs away**

Yuan Shao: Magnificent! I always know you boys can manage it again! By the way, where's Yan Liang?

Wen Chou: Eh…..I don't know myself…..huh?!

Yan Liang: HEEEELLLPP MEEEEE! AGH! Get away from me you dirty Scotsman! Get away! AAAAAAHHHH!

Hua Xiong: Nooooo! Please, just one date, perhaps?!

Yan Liang: NO! NOOOO! AGGGHHH OUTTA MY WAY!

Wen Chou: Oof! **knocked aside by Yan Liang running**

Yuan Shao: Now what is going on- ah! **knocked down by Yan Liang**

Hua Xiong: Now don't leave me my goddess! I swear to forever become your servant- ah! **stumbled upon Yuan Shao**

Both Yuan Shao and Hua Xiong passed out. However, the moment they wake up….

Yuan Shao: **kisses Hua Xiong**

Hua Xiong: **kisses Yuan Shao**

Yuan Shao and Hua Xiong: **after realizing what they've done** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

So that's Chapter 5! I'm sorry that it came a bit late, cuz I usually upload new chapters at mornings, but this morning I had some shopping to do so I can only update this at evening. And yes, this fic gets weirder for eachchapter. You can't get enough for some DW craziness, after all. Stay tuned for more chaos of Ancient China! Good day!

[1] Yeah…I made Zhang Xiu a complete manchild here. But really, just take ONE look at his Blast design and tell me if you're not thinking about an indecisive moron who literally can't do ANYTHING unless if Jia Xu told him to.

[2] This quote is from a Destiny of an Emperor mod: Destiny of Lu Bu. It's an old NES RPG about the Three Kingdoms.

[3] Yeah, I made Wen Chou speaks Spanish, because I just can't help but to think of a _luchador_ when I see his design. For anyone's wondering, the phrase means "Your mother is a whore."

[4] Yan Liang's name (顔良) literally translates to "Good Face". Well, I suppose that's the reason why he's bishounen. He puts it to good use here.

[5] Okay, so this just a made-up combination attack by me used by Yuan Shao's top duo. First, Wen Chou will piledrive the enemy headfirst, causing him great headache. Then, Yan Liang will walk up to the dizzy enemy, and thanks to his bishie face, causes his enemy to have a crush on him, allowing Yan Liang to crush him.

[6] Y.S.F.T is Yuan Shao's Fabulous Team.

[7] Sun Quan's nickname in the novel is 'purple bearded-rat', as called by Guan Yu after Fan Castle. But since DW him has red hair and no beard, I modified it a bit into this.

[8] That one means "You talk too much".


	6. Our Worst Nightmares

**Response to RosyMiranto18: Haha, well I'm actually Indonesian too, but I wrote this in English because writing fanfics in Indonesia just feels off IMO. Yes I know, Li Jue's so fucking creepy. Infact, his belief in superstition's contributed in his downfall (when Emperor Xian gave him the position of Grand Commander at Jia Xu's advice to drive him and Guo Si apart, he instead contributed his success to his witches, which caused his subordinated to rebel). About Diaochan, it pretty much won't happen since she's the series primary Ms. Fanservice now. Oh well, at least we have Yueying and Cai Wenji as the sole non-slutty DW girls. Haha, yeah, that quote is GOLDEN. I hope Wen Chou will reference it again if he became playable sometime later.**

* * *

After seeing the chaos between Yuan Shao Fabulous Team and the Dong Zhuo Paradise, we will see the reunion between other characters….eh?

Ace: Hey, wait a minute.

Oh, you're calling for me?

Ace: Of course you nickhead! There's no one besides us in the fourth wall void, after all.

Oh, right. There's no need to be so rude, you know.

Ace: That's because you're so careless! Agh, forget it. Where were we?

Eh? You're the one who called me at the first place.

Ace: Oh, right. Ehem, I'm here to ask you, you think the readers were enjoying this story?

Hm? Yes, I think they like it. Which is why I write more.

Ace: Ah, that's good. I was always afraid our redesigns might have put some fans off…

Aw, you know that's not true. You're the best, Ace-kun.

Ace: Ahaha…now stop it. I don't want our relationship to be revealed in public.

Nah, it's fine. It's not like they know who you are, anyway.

Ace: Ahaha…you're right. It's not their time. I will only reveal my identity when the time is right.

What are you doing right now?

Ace: Well, some secret plan...wait, it's not a secret anymore now that I revealed it to you. Oh well, I guess it's just a secret between us. Make sure you don't let this be known while I'm working at it, got it?

Got it. Okay, that's enough meta-conversation. Can we move on to the story now?

Ace: Yes, yes. My bad.

* * *

 **Chapter 6: Our Worst Nightmares**

* * *

Zhuge Jin: Woo-hoo! It's the Zhuge Family reunion!

Zhugeshi: Yeah! Aren't you happy, Liang?

Zhuge Liang: Of course, sister. I'm happy that you two are unique.

Zhuge Jin: Of course! I have been contributing a lot for Wu kingdom, but you always stole the spotlight from me, Liang!

Zhugeshi: Ohoho, really? I've always thought that your sole role in your kingdom is only giving failed peace treaties to Shu, and you were spared only because Liang is in there.

Zhuge Liang: Haha, good point, sister.

Zhuge Jin: Hey, that's not fair! You may be the Dragon, Liang, but I too, am still the Tiger! So be prepared!

Zhugeshi: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Tiger!

Zhuge Liang: Ahaha…still, I'm happy to finally be reunited with you guys. A shame that Jun isn't here yet.

Zhugeshi: Me too….ah, if he was here, then our family will be complete!

Zhuge Jin: Well, at least now each kingdom has their own Zhuge. It'll be fun!

All three Zhuge siblings: The BENEVOLENCE shall stand strong! [1]

Zhuge Dan: Um, guys-

All three Zhuge siblings: SHUT UP! YOU'RE NOT INCLUDED!

Zhuge Dan: B-but whyyyy?!

Zhuge Jin: Well, first of all, your kingdom, Jin, isn't even a kingdom. It's simply a gayer version of Wei with more pretty boys and sluts thrown in. Two, you don't even get to live to the expectations of the gay version of Wei. You even led a rebellion and ended up failing more than Zhong Hui. THAT'S just how bad you are!

Zhuge Dan: But that's just so mean! Waaaahhhh! **cries on the ground while rolling**

Zhuge Liang: Sigh….sister?

Zhugeshi: Yes?

Zhuge Liang: Can I have one of those peaches you're carrying around?

Zhugeshi: What for?

Zhuge Liang: **points at crying Zhuge Dan**

Zhugeshi: Oh. **gives on peach to Zhuge Liang**

Zhuge Liang: Thank you. Hey!

Zhuge Dan: Waaahhh….hm?

Zhuge Liang: Here, you want some peach? Come on. **shakes the peach in front of Zhuge Dan**

Zhuge Dan: Ooh, me want! Me want! **sits like a dog**

Zhuge Liang: Come now, you want it or not?

Zhuge Dan: ME WANT! **pants**

Zhuge Liang: Then, catch it. **throws the peach away**

Zhuge Dan: Arf! Arf! Me want! Arf! **runs away to chase the peach…on four legs**

Zhuge Jin and Zhugeshi: ….

Pang Tong: Now what's the entire ruckus going over here? Oh, Zhuge Liang! Good to see you here. Ooh, these are your siblings? Are you having a family reunion?

Zhuge Liang: Pang Tong.

Pang Tong: Hey, you're Zhuge Liang's sister, right? The one who married my cousin?

Zhugeshi: Hey, it's you! Yes, I am.

Pang Tong: I hope my cousin hasn't been causing you much trouble.

Zhugeshi: He's fine really.

Pang Tong: Ooh, that's a good thing. Speaking of which, I also brought over my sister-in-law here. Come here! [2]

Xishi: H-hey! Don't drag me around like that!

Pang Tong: Come on, don't be so shy. They're your family too. Say hello to them!

Xishi: Ugh, seriously! It's due to your brother's fault that I'm trapped in Wei, you know that?! I HATE Wei! They're all bunch of creepy people!

Zhugeshi: Umm…. **clears throat**

Xishi: Ugh, that's it. I'm going home.

Pang Tong: H-hey! Wait a minute- argh!

Zhuge Jin: Gee, you sure have a lot of in-laws, Pang Tong. Which, include us, actually….

Pang Tong: Yeah, I know. Oh well, I better go to fetch Xishi first before she escapes. **goes away**

Zhuge Ke: Hmph! What is this? A Zhuge family reunion without ME! My father, uncle and aunt are fools for not recognizing I, Zhuge Ke, the greatest Zhuge-

All three Zhuge siblings: SHUT UP! YOU BROUGHT EVEN MORE DISHONOR TO THE ZHUGE CLAN THAN ZHUGE DAN DID!

Zhuge Ke: Whaaa-?! I….waaaaahhh! **runs away**

Zhuge Jin: Geez…I'm sorry, my son was indeed annoying. I hate to have a son like him.

Zhuge Liang: Even my son Zhan isn't like that….speaking of which, brother?

Zhuge Jin: Hm?

Zhuge Liang: Are you sure he is YOUR son? Aside from the factthat he's a complete moron, unlike you, you two are actually NOTHING alike, what with you being a donkey at all…[3]

Zhuge Jin: Whaaaaaa-?! Argh, for fuck's sake! EVERYONE said that, even my own brother! Not my fault, it's Koei's! **cries**

Zhugeshi: Ah…come on brother, we're so sorry, we're just-

Zhuge Jin: Shut up! In that case, I'd say that he is NOT my son! **cries**

Zhuge Liang: (Seems like everyone in the Zhuge clan is a crybaby, eh….wait, that includes me.)

* * *

Alright, that's enough Zhuge clan dishonor….moving on to the Wei side….

Xu Huang: Boning! My friend! **runs in slo-mo**

Man Chong: Gongming! **runs in slo-mo**

Xu Huang: **suddenly smacks Man Chong**

Man Chong: Wha-?! Why in the hell did you do that?!

Xu Huang: Now cut that crap out. We're not gay.

Man Chong: Well, not my fault! You're the one who started it at the first place!

Xu Huang: Oh, right. My bad. I just prevented some…unfortunate implications. What with your style name's being 'Boning' and all…

Man Chong: Hey!

Zhu Ling: My my, you may just met an old friend, but that doesn't mean you can forget the new one!

Man Chong: I remember that's not being the actual phrase, Wenbo.

Zhu Ling: Really? I gotta remember to look it up again sometimes.

Xu Huang: Ah, Wenbo! Sorry I didn't recognize you, what with your hair covering half your face and all.

Zhu Ling: It's alright. Besides, Koei staff said that it's cool.

Xu Huang: Cool….right. Anyway, weren't you supposed to be with Yuan Shao?

Zhu Ling: Yuan Shao? Ugh, hell no! I'm certainly not to be grouped with the same people who served under that pompous ass! Particularly Wen Chou and Yan Liang….that combination attack gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever seen….or the most terrifying… **shudder**

Cao Cao: Hm? Hey! Gongming, what are you doing?!

Xu Huang: Huh? Lord Cao Cao?

Cao Cao: You imbecile…I already told you to not befriend that shady emo SOB! **points at Zhu Ling**

Zhu Ling: Huh?! Hey, I'm not a SOB!

Man Chong: Which means you accept being called an emo.

Zhu Ling: Exactly.

Man Chong: …..

Xu Huang: But Lord Cao Cao, he's my friend! He too, has great accomplishments-

Cao Cao: No, no, no, nonononononono. NO! He's emo and creepy as fuck, and if you don't leave him immediately, … **rants more**

Man Chong: Psst, Zhu Ling,

Zhu Ling: Hm?

Man Chong: Does this scene kinda remind you of….something?

Zhu Ling: Meh, I know. A teenage girl dates some boy. Her father doesn't approve. She rebelled, and goes to marry him. The couple goes happily ever after. The end.

Man Chong: Ooh, that's right! But the thing is, Xu Huang's not a teenage girl, and that….ooooooohhhhhh. **leans towards Zhu Ling**

Zhu Ling: …w…what?

Man Chong: Aaaaaaiiiiieeeeeeeee ssssseeeeeee….so you have 'that' sort of relationship with Xu Huang, eeeehhhhhhhh….

Zhu Ling: What? I don't know what you're talking about.

Man Chong: Ohoho….search your feelings, Zhu Ling, You know it's true- **gets knocked out by Zhu Ling**

Zhu Ling: If you can't convince 'em, knock 'em out.

Xu Huang: I told you several times already, he's NOT getting me to do drugs!

Cao Cao: He IS not. But he WILL be. I told you several times already-

Xu Huang: Argh! That's it! **goes up to Zhu Ling**

Cao Cao: Hey! Where're you going, lad?!

Xu Huang: I'm going to marry Zhu Ling! I can't stand this anymore!

Zhu Ling: Haha, that's- hey, what did you say?

Xu Huang: You heard me. We will be married shortly. I can't convince our lord anymore to accept you. Let's go and leave this pitiful place to build a new life together!

Zhu Ling: Hey, hey! Wait a minute, you're not actually serious about this- AAAHHH! **gets lifted by Xu Huang, who then runs away**

Cao Cao: Hey Xu Huang! Get back here! You imbecile! Gaaakkhh! **clutches his head in pain, then passes out**

* * *

And so, let's move in to the other side, where Cao Cao finally awakens….

Cao Cao: Uhhhrrrgghh….where…am…I…?

Xiahou Dun: Cousin! You've finally awakened! **hugs Cao Cao**

Cao Cao: Oof! Xiahou…Dun….your hug's…too strong…let…me…go…..

Xiahou Dun: Oh, I'm sorry. **lets go**

Cao Cao: Sigh…okay…what just happened?

Jia Xu: Well, Man Chong just found you passing out after that argument with Xu Huang, and he took you here to recover.

Cao Cao: Huff…guess I have to thank him then….where is he?

Jia Xu: I don't know, he said that he has to run chasing after Xu Huang and Zhu Ling to prevent them from getting married or something….kids these days are so weird.

Cao Cao: Argh! They managed to escape?! That bastard Zhu Ling…I swear I will trim his fucking emo bangs! HE WILL NOT ESCAPE! I SWORE IT- Gaakh! **clutches his head in pain again**

Xiahou Dun: Cousin!

Hua Tuo: Hm? Lord Cao Cao, it just seems that your brain tumor is affecting you again. Let me cure you-

Cao Cao; Aaaahh! It's you! You attempted to kill me by cutting my head! Kill him!

Hua Tuo: Whaaat? No no no no no, of course not. This time, I can cure your brain tumor without cutting your head open using this special drug I carry.

Cao Cao: Ooh, is that true? Is it possible? The why did you not use it the last time?

Hua Tuo: Well, this is 21st century, buffoon. We already got nanomachines. That's technology for you.

Cao Cao: Oh, okay. Well, where is the drug?

Hua Tuo: Here it is. **grabs a bag of sparkling powder from his Black Bag** You only need to take it once, and your brain tumor's cured for good.

Cao Cao: Hohoho, this is it! Come to papa….

Jia Xu: Psst, my lord, don't take it. I get a bad feeling about that drug. I feel that it will be very sappy. Don't take it!

Cao Cao; Silence! I've been suffering from this goddamned tumor for god-knows-how long, and I will risk EVERYTHING to get rid of it. Hua Tuo, thank you very much for this help. Forgive me because I executed you, while you were only trying to cure me.

Hua Tuo: No need to thank you, my lord. I live to see the well-being of every living creatures' health. (Ohohohohohohohohoooo….I can't believe he fell for THAT!)

Cao Cao: Haha! Finally! Now let me take one sip, and…..ooohhh! Unbelievable! The pain in my head is gone!

Hua Tuo: Of course, my lord. My drugs' power is absolute.

Cao Cao: Haha…..good, good! Now that my tumor's gone, I will give the reward of- Oooohhh, what happened? The world's…sparkling…. **starts to lose balance**

Xiahou Dun: Umm…..cousin?

Cao Cao: Ooohh…it's full of MAAAAGGIIICCC! **does a ballerina twirl**

Jia Xu: Sigh….I told him….

Cao Cao: _It's a small world after all…it's a small world after all…._ **bumps into Xiahou Dun** Aaaaaahhh! Nick Fury! Please don't shoot me in the face, please….uhh….

Xiahou Dun: Hey! Cousin! COUSIN!

Cao Cao: Lalalalalalaaaa…. _under the sea…under the sea….._ **bumps into Jia Xu** AAAHHHH! JAFAR! Or… is it Captain Jack Sparrow…?! Eaaahhhuurrrggghhh….

Jia Xu: Hey. Hey! **snaps finger multiple times in front of Cao Cao**

Cao Cao: Ooooohhh….. _a whole new world…a dazzling place I never knew….._ aaaaahhhh….. **falls down**

Xiahou Dun: **gasps** Cousin, cousin! You okay?!

Cao Cao: Ooooohhh…..please don't throw me to…hellfireeee…..

Hua Tuo: Pfftt…..AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! Now that's PERFECT!

Jia Xu: Hey, you! You're the one who started it! What did you give to Lord Cao Cao?

Hua Tuo: Haha, simple. It's just a special mixture of weed and LSD, with a bit of crack, mixed with a little bit of pixie dust to cause everyone who took it see everything as Disney-related. Cao Cao's the one I wanted to test it on. And it works! Ahahahahahahaa!

Xiahou Dun: You filthy physician! You promised it will cure him! Why did you do this?!

Hua Tuo: Well, I mean, really, I just wanted to cure him, but he's so paranoid that he thought I was in a conspiracy with Guan Yu to kill him. Then he executed me. How can I NOT be pissed? It's his own goddamn fault. However, the drug is non-lethal, so he won't die. You do not need to worry.

Jia Xu: Alright…but how long it takes for him to turn normal?

Hua Tuo: Hm? Well, I suppose around 3 hours or so. But make sure that during that time he doesn't see anything Disney-related so that the drug's effect won't come up again. Okay, I suppose I'm finished here. I have to go to spread more of this fantastic drug to everyone I got a grudge with! Hohoho…

Jia Xu: O….kay…..hey, speaking of which, do you have any sort of anti-aging drug or something?

Hua Tuo: I don't have anything like that.

Jia Xu: Really? Now that's strange…..because you're supposed to be older than everyone in Wei, including me. Yet you look younger than all of us. How's that possible?

Hua Tuo: Ask Koei. Not me. Oh well, I gotta go now. Smell ya later! **walks away, but suddenly stops and turned around** Oh and….I hope you enjoy some sing-along with your lord! Hahaha!

Cao Cao: Oooohhhhh…. _can you paint with all the colors….of the wiiiindddd….._ **passes out**

* * *

Yes, so that's the 7th chapter. More insanity awaits, so keep on reading! Good day!

[1] At least according to DW, the whole 'benevolence-obsession' Shu has actually originated from the Zhuge clan's own ideals, which is why Zhuge Dan also quips 'benevolence' here and there even though he's a part of Wei.

[2] Xishi is also Pang Tong's sister-in-law due to her marriage to Pang Tong's younger brother Pang Lin.

[3] Historically, Zhuge Jin was noted to have a face resembling a donkey, and he was made fun of by people (notably Sun Quan) due to this.


	7. Dear Daddy

**Response to RosyMiranto18: 1. Ahaha, really? I never knew Zhuge Liang had a daughter though. Poor you. 2. Hm, I never knew that. I'd try to find some other means of including Yu Jin in this story. 3. Oh, you've red that fic too? I agree, that drug'll horrify him. Goddamned Hua Tuo and his shady drugs**!

* * *

More insanity and heart-to-heart conversations between the former generics and their playable friends ensue!

* * *

 **Chapter 7: Dear Daddy**

* * *

Cao Cao: Hahaha! Now that my daughter Cao Jie, my nephew Cao Xiu, and my great-grandson Cao Mao are here, my family is now truly complete!

All: **cheers**

Cao Jie: Um, father…is it okay for us to celebrate openly like this?

Cao Xiu: Ahaha, what's the problem with it, cousin? You're the legit Empress now, after all. We the Caos stand strong, like the Brady Bunch!

Cao Pi: At least until Cao Mao comes in and became the Cousin Oliver….

Cao Mao: Hey! I detest that!

Cao Pi: Well then, explain how Sima Yi, my trusted retainer, ended up forcing you to abdicate and start the Jin Dynasty, huh?

Cao Mao: ….

Cao Pi: You're the goddamned Emperor. Seriously.

Cao Cao: Hm? Emperor? Since when did our descendants become the Emperor? Did Emperor Xian abdicate his throne for our family? Not that I'd blame him, he's a fucking idiot and the more he realizes it, the better.

Cao Jie: Actually, it's my brother who ended up taking the throne for himself.

Cao Cao: What?! Pi, is it true?!

Cao Pi: What?! Umm…no, it's not what it looks like!

Cao Cao: Of course! I knew it, you've been desiring your sister for yourself! This is why you forced Xian to abdicate so that you could take your sister as your Empress!

Cao Pi: What?! Now that just makes no sense!

Cao Jie: **gasp** **s** Mother, is it true that?

Bianshi: Uhhh…no, I'm pretty sure it's just your father's paranoid assumptions. [1]

Cao Cao: What do you mean no one desires her? She's beautiful, smart, and wise, which is why many people sought for her. But oh no! She will NOT be taken THAT easily! I've only prepared her solely for Emperor Xian-

Cao Pi: Well, why the HELL did you care about the goddamn-motherfuck-sake Emperor anyway?! Better that my sister not be taken by anyone rather than be given to a fool!

Cao Cao: Then why did you want her?

Cao Pi: For the last time dad, I do NOT have any incestuous feelings for her, okay! This is still a T-rated series, for god's sake!

Cao Xiu: Sigh….what a dysfunctional family we are, eh?

Cao Pi: Shut up! You too should've known better than believing a guy who cuts his HAIR off to pledge loyalty to you. HIS. HAIR. If he chooses to, say, dance the Gangnam Style while wearing underwear with the words 'I Love Mom' on it, I don't blame you for believing it.

Cao Xiu: Hey! Everyone knows Zhou Fang loves his hair very much! I swore I actually found him doing fucking creambath!

Cao Pi: Then you should've known he wouldn't cut it if he ACTUALLY pledges loyalty to you and betray his kingdom.

Cao Xiu: ….that logic is nonsense.

He Yan: Hmph. How could all of you forget me, the most beautiful warrior of all land, He Yan?

Cao Pi: Now who the hell are you?!

He Yan: Huh?! How could you forget me, grandson of He Jin?

Cao Jie: To be honest, your grandfather was a MASSIVE idiot.

He Yan: What! How dare you-

Cao Cao: Ah! My favorite son, He Yan!

Cao Pi: What! Dad, how come he is your favorite? He isn't even your son! He was the grandson of the most idiotic general of the land! And his clothing looks worse than Zhang He's DLC costume! [2]

Cao Cao: Silence! Oh well, he may not be my son, but at least he's fabulous enough to bring pride to the Cao family!

He Yan: Oh yeah! See? Nobody can resist my beauty, not even your father! **flips hair**

Cao Jie: Ewww. Now that's just gross.

Cao Pi: What?! Come on, father, you think me or Zhi isn't beautiful enough?! Fine then! He Yan, come with me! **holds his twin swords and drags He Yan**

He Yan: Hey, where are you taking my fabulous self to?!

Cao Pi: Somewhere. **smirks devilishly, then drags He Yan to a room, whom he locks**

He Yan: Hey! Where are we? What are you going to do- oh wait, what are you doing? Hey, stop it- AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Everyone else: …. **jawdrop**

Cao Zhen and Cao Shuang: Hey! You're all doing a Cao family reunion but didn't include us?!

Cao Cao: Eww! Now who the hell are you?!

Cao Zhen: What? How could've you forgot us? It's me, Cao Zhen!

Cao Cao: What?! Impossible! Your ugliness is unacceptable within the prestigious Cao family! Even your son is better looking than you!

Cao Zhen: Aaarrrgghh! That's the 100th fucking times I've been told that there's no way I'm a Cao because I'm ugly! That's it! I will raze down the entire Koei building! Who's with me?!

Cao Shuang: Aye! I will fight for your cause, father!

Everyone else: HEEEEYYY!

Xiahouji: Lalalalala~ Um? What happened there? Hey, is that my uncle and my father? Hey!

Xiahou Yuan: Hm? Who's that? Oh! Hong, my little niece! [3]

Xiahouji: Uncle Yuan!

Xiahou Yuan: Hohoho….it's so nice to see you here! I'm sorry, your other uncle Cao Cao and your cousins are having a little bit of problem here. Hey Ba, say hello to your cousin!

Xiahou Ba: Umm….h-hello!

Xiahouji: Hi cousin Ba! Hey, it's my father! **runs up to Xiahou Dun** Father! **hugs his leg** [4]

Xiahou Dun: Huh?! Hey, who the hell is this loli doing, hugging my leg?! Hey, shoo shoo! I'm not a pedophile!

Xiahou Yuan: Uhh, Dun, she's your daughter.

Xiahou Dun: What?! Since when did I have children?! [5]

Xiahou Yuan: What? You mean you don't know your own sons? I mean, there's Chong, Mao, Zizang, Zijiang, and….

Xiahou Dun: Oh, those ones. But still, they all look so goddamned same, and even then they don't look AT ALL like me! Screw it! I have enough sons to take care of even though I can't, and now a daughter as well?! Yuan, take care of your niece!

Xiahou Yuan: What?! I can't! I already have Ba here and he's so goddamned hard to keep around!

Xiahouji: Father, come on!

Xiahou Dun: Argh! Get off me! **kicks Xiahouji**

Xiahouji: Aaahh! **cries** You're a mean father! I'll run away to Zhang Fei!

Xiahou Yuan: Dun! What the hell did you do?!

Xiahou Dun: Tch…really, I don't remember having ANY sons, let alone a daughter! These critters are so hard to keep track on.

Xiahou Yuan: You know what, screw you. I'll chase Hong. Hey, Hong! Why did you marry Zhang Fei? I already prepared Ba for you! Hey, come back!

Xiahou Ba: Dad, that's incest.

Xiahou Yuan: Eh, who cares. She's cute, and you're cute! You two will be a perfect couple!

Xiahou Ba: DAD.

Xiahou Yuan: I'm sorry.

* * *

So, where did Xiahou Hong go? To the Shu side, of course!

Zhang Fei: Hm? Xiahouji? Hey, Xiahouji!

Xiahouji: Master Zhang Fei!

Zhang Fei: Haha, I never knew I finally saw you here! Now our kids can finally meet their mother! Hey Bao, Xingcai, over here!

Zhang Bao: Hey, Mother! I've never thought I'd met you!

Xingcai: Mom!

Xiahouji: Oh, truly, how precious kids you are!

Zhang Bao: Haha, of course you'll be proud, mom! Eh, speaking of which…..do you notice something strange, Xingcai?

Xingcai: What?

Zhang Bao: Our mother…actually looks…younger than us.

Xingcai: Eh, you're right….. **gasp** Dad, what have you done?!

Zhang Fei: W-what?!

Xingcai: Are you actually a pedophile, dad?!

Zhang Fei: Eeeehhhh?! No, no! This is not what it looks like!

Zhang Bao: Ooh, the connections' clear!

Xingcai: Dad, I'm ashamed of you. How could you possibly done such a shameful way?! **weeping with her face covered**

Zhang Fei: No no no no, NO! It's just a fault on Koei's designs! Curse Koei and their loli fetish, okay?! It's not my goddamned fault! Hey!

Xiahouji: Umm, what is a 'loli fetish'?

Zhang Fei: Shut up! It's your fault too!

Xiahouji: **gasp** …..You're so mean! **runs away**

Zhang Fei: Hey, heyyyy! I don't mean to tell you off, come back here! Nooo….

* * *

On the Wu side…..

Sun Luban and Sun Luyu: Daddy! Mommy! **runs up to Sun Quan and Lianshi**

Sun Quan: Ah! My little angels!

Lianshi: They grew up so fast, didn't they?

Sun Quan: Of course. Luyu looks exactly like her mother, while Luban loks exactly like me.

Lianshi: Seems like those Rule 63 fanarts of yours were taken as inspiration by the developers, eh.

Sun Quan: Hey!

Sun Luban: Daddy, daddy! Today Luyu and I killed one million peons!

Sun Quan: Oh, errr….right! That's….lovely.

Sun Luyu: Of course! We also used their blood to write 'I love Daddy' on the ground!

Sun Quan: Errr….oh, thank you! You love daddy so much, don't you!

Sun Luban: Of course! We also have one more gift for daddy! **pulls out knife**

Sun Quan: Wha-?! Now, now, sharp objects are dangerous! Now put that away!

Sun Luyu: We won't! **pulls out knife**

Sun Quan: Wha-?! **gulp** N-now what are you going to do? Gakh! **knocked down**

Sun Luban: We felt that all of these years you didn't exactly know how MUCH we love you….

Sun Luyu: To the point where you even neglected mother….

Sun Luban and Sun Luyu: SO WE DECIDED TO CARVE THE WORDS 'WE LOVE YOU' TO YOUR HEART!

Sun Quan: GAAAAHHH! No, NO KIDS, that's dangerous, Daddy loves you, I swear- ack!

Sun Luban and Sun Luyu: Nuh-uh! We will make your you'll never forget our LOVE!

Sun Quan: AAAAAHHHH! NOOO! LIANSHI, HELP ME! TELL THEM THEY'LL KILL ME!

Lianshi: Kill you? Ohoho….I don't think it will.

Sun Luban: Mommy, can we do this to Daddy?

Lianshi: What? Of course you can! Daddy will be so grateful of your LOVE!

Sun Luyu: Yay!

Sun Quan: AIIIEEEKKK! Lianshi, why did you do this to me?!

Lianshi: Ohohohohohooo…are you foolish enough to think that I don't know about what you did with Yuanji, huh?!

Sun Quan: Whaaaattt?! We were just dating- gakh! And to think to use our daughters to get revenge….

Lianshi: Hahahahaha….oh well, have fun, my little angels.

Sun Luban and Sun Luyu: Okay!

Sun Quan: Hey! Luban, Luyu, listen, Daddy already knows of your LOVE, so let me go- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

* * *

This scene did not get past the T rating…..on the other side….

Zhu Zhi: My boy, Zhu Ran! It's so good to see you here!

Zhu Ran: Father! Today I burned down 150 trees!

Zhu Zhi: Oh, that's good to hear! I'm so proud of- WHAAAATTT?! You BURNED down those trees?!

Zhu Ran: Umm…yes?!

Zhu Zhi: Oh, for heaven's sake! I told you to NOT play around with fire! It's so dangerous for you! I thought I already confiscated all matchsticks in our house!

Zhu Ran: Uhh..um…I got it from Lu Xun, actually…

Zhu Zhi: Whaaatt?! Argh! Seriously, how come I have an arsonist for a son- no, scratch that, a NEPHEW! Shit, who knows if my sister was….ah, nevermind. [6]

Zhu Yi: You still got better than me, Master Zhu Zhi.

Zhu Zhi: Oh, Zhu Yi…..OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?!

Zhu Yi: Sigh…long story short, my father wanted to know if it's possible to make me resemble Hades from Disney's Hercules. In other words, he burned my hair.

Zhu Zhi: **…**

Zhu Yi: Also, he asked your son to do the burning.

Zhu Zhi: **jawdrop**

Zhu Yi: Heh…seems like we the Zhus are caught in a similar situation, eh? I have a crazy father, you have a crazy son….but the difference is, you can at least still control your son. I have to basically bend down to whatever my father intended me to do, no matter how insane it is.

Zhu Zhi: Bless you, Zhu Yi.

Zhu Huan: HEY! YIIIII! LET'S COSPLAY AS THE DISNEY PRINCESSES!

Zhu Yi: Sigh…I rest my case. Oh well, I better go. Bye.

Zhu Zhi: Bye. Sigh….I hope it's not Frollo and Esmeralda…..[7]

* * *

Alright, let's move on to the Jin side.

Sima Zhao: AHHH! IT'S EDWARD CULLEN AND BELLA! KILL ME!

Jia Chong: Not Twilight you nickhead! **hits Sima Zhao**

Sima Zhao: Yeow! Then who's that?

Jia Chong: It's my daughter, Jia Nanfeng.

Jia Nanfeng: Hello.

Sima Zhao: Huh….I see. She's just every bit as creepy as her father- **gets hit again** Yeow!

Jia Chong: Pay some respect to the future Empress of Jin, will you?

Sima Zhao: Oh, Empress? You mean she married my son Yan?

Jia Chong: Uhh..no, but rather, your sons' son.

Sima Zhao: What? Gee, you must be pretty goddamn old by then, then. Who knows you've got a strong- **gets hit, AGAIN** Yeow!

Jia Chong: Now stop saying that!

Jia Nanfeng: Uhh…anyway, I actually kinda regret marrying your grandson, Lord Sima Zhao.

Sima Zhao: But why?

Jia Nanfeng: Because he's retarded. Like Liu Shan.

Sima Zhao: What?! There's no way that's possible! I mean, no Sima is a retard!

Jia Chong: Now cut it out, Master Sima Zhao. Don't spoil anyone who didn't know what happens next.

Sima Zhao: Oh, right. Speaking of which, isn't your daughter supposed to be dark-skinned? Here, she's just every bit as vampirish as you.

Jia Chong: I….don't know. I suppose it's a propaganda made against her.

Sima Zhao: Propaganda? That's sorta hardcore. Anyway, Jia Chong….your wife and Jia Nanfeng's mother is…Guo Huai, right?

Jia Chong: Yes.

Sima Zhao: **gasps** No….way! **gets hit- oh, you know what? Fuck it** Yeow!

Jia Chong: Not THAT Guo Huai. [8]

Sima Zhao: O-kay! Geez….you don't have to be so rude.

Jia Chong: That's because you're a retard.

Jia Nanfeng: Like grandfather, like grandson, eh.

Sima Zhao: Shut the hell up.

* * *

Yeah, as the chapter title suggests, this chapter mostly focuses on the father-child relationships between the characters. Eh, I think it's fine, cuz we love all the DW fathers and their neverending quirkiness! Okay, I think that's all, please keep on reading and leave a review. Good day!

[1] Cao Jie's mother was unknown, but most people believe that it was Bianshi (who's also Pi, Zhang, Zhi, and Xiong's mother).

[2] For those asking, Zhang He's 8 DLC costume is a Jester, and yes, it looks stupid.

[3] At one traditional opera which I forgot the name of, Xiahouji was given the name Xiahou Hong.

[4] We all know that Xiahouji was Xiahou Yuan's niece, but the Cao/Xiahou family tree on Kongming's Archives also say that she's also Xiahou Dun's daughter. I personally like that idea better than her being Xiahou Yuan's daughter, honestly.

[5] This idea of Xiahou Dun disowning his own children was taken from the fic 'Xiahou Dun's journal'.

[6] Zhu Ran was actually a son of Zhu Zhi's sister, and was originally named Shi Ran. Zhu Zhi would later adopt him as his son, changing his name into Zhu Ran.

[7] For those who don't get the joke, Zhu Huan also once again involved Zhu Ran here. Now look up the 'Hellfire' villain song by Frollo and you'll understand.

[8] Interestingly enough, Guo Huai (Jia Chong's wife) was actually the niece of Guo Huai (playable character). Her father was Guo Pei, Guo Huai (playable character)'s brother.


	8. Twisted Desires

**Okay…before we start this fic I'd like to tell you that recently there's been a bunch of guests warning me of some troll impersonating me and sending hate mails to Insertmanyfandomshere. So, I'd like to clarify that I LOVE Insertmanyfandoms here and his hilarious fics, so I definitely won't do such a thing. Hell, even if I DO hate him I won't send him hate mails or anything, it's a waste of my fucking time. And recently, I've found that person on the 'Sima Yi Answers Letters' and I that he has apologized to Insertmanyfandomshere, so good for him. Otherwise I would tell him that he should be thrown naked into a pool full of gay sharks. I hope that everyone who red this will understand. Thank you very much, and good day ;)**

 **Response to Guest: Unfortunately I don't know, sorry.**

 **Response to RosyMiranto18: Why? I know that his real name is Liu Xie, but I call him Emperor Xian cuz it's the name everyone's familiar with. Eh, no, Cao Pi's just giving him a haircut. Trust me, you do NOT want to know how it turned out XD. Yeah, I agree. One look at Luyu's Blast design and you know she's so fucking creepy. Well, it's alright, cuz I also always end each of my chapter with 'Good day!' anyway. Oh well, we all need some sort of catch-phrase, so screw innovation! Hahaha.**

* * *

After seeing some heartwarming father-children bonding moments in the previous chapter, let us see other old-friends reunion!

* * *

 **Chapter 8: Twisted Desires**

* * *

Ma Teng: Finally! The Xiliang forces have finally assembled!

Ma Chao, Ma Dai, Pang De, and Han Sui: **cheers**

Ma Chao: Father, I'm glad that you and uncle are here. With this, we shall crush Cao Cao!

Ma Teng: You bet it! He won't be able to withstand my mighty horse, the Walnut! [1]

Ma Chao: Yeah! Err….Walnut? The fuck kind of name is that?!

Ma Teng: Wait! Nuh-uh-uh…you should NOT disrespect my Walnut! He's the mightiest horse alive! He's faster than Red Hare, stronger than Guan Yinping, AND doesn't need any food! And look at it's vibrant, flowing walnut-colored mane and tail! He's just so beautiful! Ah, I love him!

Everyone else: **sweatdrop**

Han Sui: Uhhh…Ma Teng, if it weren't for the fact that your Walnut is a horse, I thought that you were describing a Mary Sue OC. Or that there exists a Mary Sue horse. Whatever.

Ma Teng: Well, shut up! It's unfortunate that you have only one arm, which means you can't hug Walnut and feel how soft he is. Ah~

Han Sui: Ew. I'm not gay and I'm not into bestiality, thank you very much.

Pang De: I bet that's the reason why my laptop that you borrowed has an empty browser history. Oh well, that arm can't go off by itself.

Han Sui: H-hey, shut up! Everyone'll know my darkest secret!

Ma Dai: Really, uncle, for the longest time you haven't really shown us this so-called 'Mary Sue horse', then you suddenly worship him like a god. Or could he possibly….?

Ma Teng: Hey hey hey, hey! It's not what you think it is! It's due to the fact that I've only recently captured Walnut when I found him stranded in the middle of a forest. He just instantly bewitched me with his beauty, so I brought him home!

Ma Chao: Uhh…father? Are you sure that was a wild horse? Because if it was someone else's, you stole from them and they can chase you to get their horse back.

Ma Teng: Naaahh, it's alright! It's his own goddamn fault to leave such a magnificent horse in the open anyway, hahaha!

Everyone else: **sweatdrop**

Ma Teng: So! Anyway, if you're asking so much, I can bring Walnut here for all of you to see. Be careful though: his majesty might cause blindness!

Ma Dai: Psst, young master, I seriously have never seen uncle to be so passionate about this single horse. What's into him?

Ma Chao: Whatever dirty thoughts you're thinking as of now, Ma Dai, I'm thinking of it too. It's alright, you're not alone in this struggle. **holds Ma Dai's hand**

Ma Dai: Young master, I'm not gay.

Ma Chao: Oh, sorry. **releases Ma Dai's hand**

Ma Teng: Alright, then. Sorry to keep you waiting, Walnut's just too energetic. And so, I present you the most magnificent horse of all time…..WAAAAALLLNNNUUUTTT!

Ma Chao: Dad, with such a stupid name, your dramatic announcement comes out silly, you know that?

Ma Teng: Meh, I don't care! Just look at this magnificent horse, will you?!

Ma Dai: Hm? Uncle, what's this? **points at Walnut's exhaust pipes**

Ma Teng: Eh, I don't know myself. What I know is that it releases so much fumes when he runs fast.

Han Sui: Now that's strange. Hm? What's this button for? **presses some button at Walnut**

Walnut: Neeeeiiiggghhhh! **starts to run in nitro mode, releasing many smoke fumes along the way**

Ma Teng: Aaaaahhhh! Walnut! My love!

Pang De: **cough cough** Han Sui, the hell have you done?!

Han Sui: **cough cough** Really, I just pressed a button!

Pang De: You serious?! You should know that you're not supposed to press any button you come across, for it will surely bring disaster!

Han Sui: The fuck's I'm supposed to know that?! **cough cough**

Ma Teng: Walnuuuutttt! Come here! Don't leeeaavvveee meeee!

Walnut: Neeeeiiiiggghhh! **continues to run in nitro mode**

Ma Chao: Don't worry, father! I'll handle this! **grabs his spear** Hey, you wicked horse! You think you can withstand this?! **suddenly the lights come out**

Ma Teng: Hey! Why're the lights out?! Walnut? Walnut!

Then, suddenly, the spotlights come down on Ma Chao.

Ma Chao: **does a poledance in front of Walnut while a bad porno music plays** [2]

Everyone else: **nosebleeds**

Ma Dai: Y-young master?!

Han Sui: Da…aammnn…..I need to record this... **pulls out his camera and records** Great! At least I won't have to borrow Pang De's laptop for my 'one-handed sword training' later night, ohohohohooo….

Pang De: …..

Ma Teng: My-my son! **wipes out blood** Gee, I never knew my son had this kind of talent! Awesome!

Walnut: **nosebleeds** Neeeeiiiggghhhh… **faints**

Ma Teng: Walnut! **goes up to Walnut and hugs him** My son, thank you very much for your help! You helped me calm Walnut down!

Ma Chao: Sigh….fine. Although this event will scar my dignity forever…..

Ma Teng: Aw, c'mon! Don't be so down! Listen, son, you have potential. We can talk about how you will make good use of-

Ma Chao: Dad. STOP. IT.

Ma Teng: Umm…okay. Ah Walnut! **continues to hug Walnut**

Ma Dai: Um, young master-

Ma Chao: NO, Ma Dai.

Ma Dai: But-

Ma Chao: Stop. Let us never talk about this. EVER. AGAIN.

Ma Dai: O-kay, then.

Date Masamune: **suddenly barges in the room** Okay, then! WHO STOLE MY MOTOHORSE?! [3]

Everyone except Ma Teng: **points at Ma Teng**

Ma Teng: H-hey?! Who the hell are you?!

Date Masamune: What! I should be the one who ask that! You stole my Motohorse! Give it back!

Ma Teng: No! Walnut is mine!

Date Masamune: Argh! Give it back! **plays a tug-o-war with Ma Teng using Walnut**

Ma Teng: NO! WALNUT! IS! MIIINNNEEEEE! Gakh! **gets knocked back**

Date Masamune: Oh, Motohorse, my sweet little angel, are you alright?

Motohorse: Neeeeiigghhh….neighhh…neighhh! **cries**

Date Masamune: What?! He sexually molested you?! Imbecile! **pulls out his six katanas** Take this, you horse thief! **proceeds to brutally beat up Ma Teng** [4]

Ma Teng: AAAIIIIGGGHHH!

Ma Chao: Sigh…. **facepalm** How fortunate it is that Yunlu isn't here to see this….

Ma Dai: Y-young master…?! **hides behind Ma Chao while shuddering**

Pang De: Hm, so I guess this coffin I carry around has it uses, after all.

Han Sui: Sigh….I know that his creepy love for horses will come back to bite him in his ass shortly…..

After that brutal execution is over….

Date Masamune: Hmph! Now that'll teach you to not steal other person's horses! Let alone raping them! Oh well, let's go, Motohorse!

Motohorse: Neeeiigghhh…

Ma Chao: Wait! You're originally from Sengoku Basara's world, right? How come you're suddenly here?

Date Masamune: Hm? Well, I don't know. I'm pretty much sure I was in my own world, and then your imbecile father came up and stole Motohorse, forcing me to come and get him back. I suppose it's just Author's decision to put in nonsensical cameos and crossovers in…

Ma Dai: But still, how can you track him all the way here?

Date Masamune: Well, I just saw this one building glowing blue and has loud horse neighing in. That's how I know that Motohorse is in nitro mode. Oh well, better go now, lest this fic's category will turn into a crossover. Bye.

Ma Chao: Bye. Geez, now we have to clean this fucking mess up. Pang De?

Pang De: I'm on it. **carries Ma Teng's beat-up body and put it on the coffin**

Ma Chao: Thank you. Sigh….now I kinda fear that father's bestiality will pass onto me, given that now I tend to spend time alone with my beloved- **slaps his cheek** nevermind, nevermind!

* * *

On the Jin side…..

Wen Yang: Huh? Is that father and brother? Hey!

Wen Qin: Hm? Ah, it's my son! Hey!

Wen Hu: Brother! **runs up to Wen Yang and hugs him**

Wen Yang: Oh, Hu! Umm…it's good to see you here. Now let me go.

Wen Hu: No! I won't let you go! You always steal the spotlight and the fangirls away from me because I'm a generic, but this time, I will always stick by you!

Wen Yang: Eh, um, that's because you're short- eh, no! Hu, let go of me, I don't want us to be seen like this in front of fellow Jin officers! Hey, let me go! Argh!

Wen Hu: I won't! I love you!

Wen Yang: W-whaat?! Um, brother loves you too, Hu, but just let me go! Gakh! Father, help me!

Wen Qin: Ohoho…seems like little Hu is having too much 'brotherly love' to share with you. I suppose it's alright, after all, you stole WAY too much spotlight from us despite never accomplishing anything notable.

Wen Yang: 'Never accomplishing anything notable'?! I KILLED that baozi-rapist Sima Shi, for fuck's sake! And, well, it's not my fault that Koei decided to make me Zhao Yun 2.0 and super-bishie for more fangirls to drool on! As well as being so goddamn tall I could be mistaken for Jeremy Lin's ancestor.

Guanqiu Jian: Hey, Wen Qin!

Wen Qin: Oh, it's you. How're you?

Guanqiu Jian: Fine. Uhh…what're your children doing?

Wen Qin: Hm? You can see it pretty clearly. My younger doesn't want to let go of my elder because the elder stole spotlights from him. Not that I can blame either of them, though. Hahaha! Don't you think they're cute?

Guanqiu Jian: Cute? Yes….I suppose.

Wen Qin: Haha, of course! They're so cute that they made Skittles colorless! Oh, how I want to hug them 'till they explode!

Guanqiu Jian: O…kay. Excuse me, then…

Xin Xianying: Ooh, Chang, look over there.

Xin Chang: What is it, sister?

Xin Xianying: Seems like the Wen family are having a….bonding moment, eh?

Xin Chang: I suppose so, sister. But still, it seems like Wen Hu is being….clingy towards Wen Yang.

Xin Xianying: You mean like a yandere? Hohoho, I can definitely see that written on Wen Hu's face. You can never trust a cute face like his.

Xin Chang: Which means you can't be trusted either, sister. **snickers**

Xin Xianying: Hey! Now that's just mean!

Xin Chang: Hahahaha.

Xin Xianying: Hmph! Wait, Chang, does this mean you're actually calling me 'cute'?

Xin Chang: Yes. Why?

Xin Xianying: **gasp** Chang, you…..do you have-

Xin Chang: NO, sister. It's just an expression.

Xin Xianying: Oh. That's good to hear.

Zhong Hui: Hmph. Outta my way, lowlies!

Xin Chang: Hey! You're lookin' for a fight, huh?!

Zhong Hui: Try me.

Xin Xianying: Chang, that's enough! Let me handle this.

Xin Chang: Sister?

Zhong Hui: Hmph! What can a mere girl do against me- wait, what's that you're holding? OH NO! IT'S A TERRIFYING OBJECT! PLEASE DON'T- GYAAAAAHHHHHH!

Xin Chang: **jawdrop** S-sister…WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

Xin Xianying: What have I done? I just simply took care of his narcissistic ass by cutting 'that' off. That's all. I was trying to avoid many casualties as possible.

Xin Chang: You idiot, sister! Don't you know that his mother held more power than Sima Yi has over Cao Pi! Now that you've done this, we're beyond fucked!

Xin Xianying: Oh, pffttt, just how dangerous his mom could ever be, really?

Zhang Changpu: Hui, Hui! Sigh….just where could that kid gone off to? Hey, you two, have you seen my boy Zhong Hui? He's supposed to do his Broadway rehearsal, but he's escaped…I wonder if he'd gone to a spa or something….

Xin Chang: Broadway? Spa? So that's just how gay Zhong Hui is…..umm, no! I mean-

Xin Xianying: We don't know where he's gone to, ma'am.

Zhong Hui: Huhuhuuu…huh? Mom? Mom! **runs up to Zhang Changpu and hugs her**

Zhang Changpu: Oh, that's unfortunate. I thought that I could get you two to join Broadway as well- oh?!

Zhong Hui: Mommy! **cries**

Zhang Changpu: Oh, my dear Zhong Hui, I've found you! But why are you crying, my boy?

Zhong Hui: **continues crying, then points at the Xin siblings**

Xin Chang: **gulps** We're. 'Effin. DOOMED.

Zhang Changpu: What?! I thought they don't know where you are! What did they do to you?

Zhong Hui: **still crying, points at his hair**

Zhang Changpu: Your hair? What's with it- OH NO! THEY CUT OFF YOUR RATTAIL?! And- OH MY GOD THEY REBOUNDED YOUR CURLY HAIR! NOO! [5]

Xin Xianying: **jawdrop**

Xin Chang: I told you.

Xin Xianying: Shut up!

Zhang Changpu: Grrrhhh…YOU! **has hell rising behind her** Nobody, and I mean, NO! BO! DY! MESSES WITH MY SON'S HAIR!

The Two Xins: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

This scene did not get past the censors. Moving on….

Huaman: Daddy! Mommy!

Meng Huo: My little princess! **lifts up Huaman and places her on his shoulders** Haha! You truly took after your mother!

Zhurong: So much, that I guess people won't believe that you're the father.

Meng Huo: Hey, what are you implying?!

Zhurong: Ummm….no, nevermind.

Huaman: Daddy! Look, Guan Suo! I want to go to him!

Meng Huo: The flower boy, eh? Okay then!

Huaman: Yay! Guan Suo! **hugs Guan Suo**

Guan Suo: Oof! Eh, what? Who are you? Get off me!

Huaman: No! I want to stay with you!

Guan Suo: I said no!

Huaman: But I want to! Hey, what's that? **climbs up to Guan Suo's shoulders**

Guan Suo: Hey! Hey! Ow! Ouch! You African brat! Get off me!

Huaman: Ooh, it's a flower! Can I keep it?

Guan Suo: Aaah! That's my Horcrux! No! Keep your hands off it! Argh! **puts Huaman down** [6]

Huaman: Ah! Aww, you're so mean!

Guan Suo: You're the mean one! Like seriously, you just suddenly climbed up my body without my consent! And you're still a kid! It's fucking creepy as hell, you know that?!

Huaman: Hmmh! **pouts, then runs up to Guan Suo and hugs his leg** I still won't let you go!

Guan Suo: H-hey! Get your hands off my leg! Argh! I use it to kick people! Get off me!

Huaman: I won't! I love you!

Bao Sanniang: Huh? Guan Suo, are you cheating on me?! **releases cat claws**

Guan Suo: What? No! It's just this fucking kid- Argh! Get! OFF! **kicks Huaman off**

Huaman: Aaaaahhh! **falls to the ground** **, then starts to cry** Waaaaahhhh! Daddyyyyy!

Meng Huo: Eh?! My little princess, why are you crying? Speak to your daddy!

Huaman: Waaaaahhhh! **points at Guan Suo**

Meng Huo: What?! So it's that flower boy! Hey, you! How dare you to make my little princess cry! You will pay for it! **releases murderous aura**

Zhurong: Yeah! Have you no respect for women?! **releases murderous aura**

Bao Sanniang: Grrrrhhhh….Guan Suo! You're mine and mine ALONE! **releases murderous aura**

Guan Suo: Ummm….. **seeing wreckage from both sides** Uh, guys, I think we can talk this over, it's just a misunderstanding! I swear- gakh! No no no no no! Please, just listen to me- ah, GYAAAAAAKKKKHHHHH!

Bloody, messy wreckage ensue.

Wang Tao and Wang Yue: **arriving at the scene of the wreckage**

Wang Yue: Um…sister?

Wang Tao: Uhh?

Wang Yue: Are you sure we're in the right time? I mean, we're supposed to meet Guan Suo, here….right?

Wang Tao: **scratches head** I…do not know. Oh well, I guess he's just having a problem with his in-laws. That happens all the time. Haha!

Wang Yue: Sigh…oh well. I guess I'll go out and get some ice cream.

Wang Tao: Count me in.

* * *

I'm sorry that this came out a bit late than average, I kinda ran out of ideas, but I managed it. Yay! Okay then, as usual, please keep on reading this fic and leave a review. Good day!

[1] Okay, this is inspired by Insertmanyfandomshere's fictional name for Ma Chao's horse, Chestnut. Geddit?

[2] Anyone who's played Dynasty Warriors 5 (I don't know if it exists in other DW games, cuz 5 is the only one I have really played) knows Ma Chao's poledance charge and Musou attack.

[3] Yeah…anyone's who watched the Sengoku Basara anime knows Masamune's Motor-Horse. Note that I've never actually played Sengoku Basara myself or watched it's anime.

[4] I know that this Masamune is the SB version, but I added his SW version's catchphrase 'Imbecile!' for the lulz.

[5] This whole idea of 'Zhong Hui's rattail being cut off is his worst nightmare' was also taken from Insertmanyfandomshere, specifically the 'Nightmares are a pain in the ass' fic.

[6] Inspired by the same fic as above, where if Guan Suo's flower withers, he dies.


	9. Chaotic Alliances

**Response to Guest: Okay then, I forgive you. Just don't do it again, okay?**

* * *

Let's move on to see one of the chaotic wars ever witnessed by mankind!

* * *

 **Chapter 9: Chaotic Alliances**

* * *

Huang Zu: And so, with this I declare the 'Anti-Sun Ce Coalition!'

Yan Baihu, Wang Lang, and Gan Ji: YOOOO!

Sun Ce: Heh, really, what's the entire ruckus over here? Some mustache-twirling twat declaring an alliance against ME? Ahahahahaha! That's too funny!

Yan Baihu: Hey, it's you! Listen, you may have conquered against us previously, but now, we will get our revenge!

Wang Lang: Nuh-uh!

Sun Ce: Bwahahahaha, that's too funny. By how? Turning me into a cute little kittycat who does nothing but chasing its tail all day? Hahahahaha!

Gan Ji: Ah, we actually wanted to get our revenge by using something else, but now that you've mentioned it, we thank you for that idea! **snaps his finger**

Sun Ce: Aaahh! It's you! The one who haunted me until I died! I won't let you go this- w-wait, what's going on?! Aaaahhh- Meow!

Yan Baihu: W-whoa! You turned him into a kittycat!

Wang Lang: Gee, he looks kinda cute though, I wanna cuddle him and pet him all day… **slaps his cheek** No, no! Not THAT!

Kittycat Sun Ce: Meow?! Meow meow meow! Rraaarr! **shows his claws** (What the hell is this?! You'll pay for this!)

Huang Zu: Wahahahaa…now that's so cute. I truly thank you for this, Gan Ji.

Gan Ji: Ohohoho….well, it's only natural.

Huang Zu: Hey, psst…you said that you would like to use 'something else' to get revenge at Sun Ce, but you haven't told us.

Gan Ji: Uhh….if I told you, I'm afraid it'll horrify you….

Huang Zu: Naaah, it's alright. You did pretty horrifying things yourself after Sun Ce killed you….

Gan Ji: Okay…well, my plan originally to chain him in a cell, then…

Huang Zu: Then?

Gan Ji: Then I would bring in Zhou Yu and Daqiao in, who's been brainwashed…..

Huang Zu: And?

Gan Ji: Then I get them to reenact 'A Serbian Film' while Sun Ce watches. [1]

Huang Zu: **jawdrop, then faints while bleeding from all holes in his body**

Gan Ji: Hey, hey! Tch, I already told him so…

Yan Baihu: Then again, your plan is truly brutal, Gan Ji. Not even Dong Zhuo would do that. He'd rather not eat than giving such punishment.

Gan Ji: Hey, but you know the story where he ate the head of a person he beheaded! I'm sure it's all fair play for him. [2]

Yan Baihu: But, it's different! Agh, where did you get that movie, anyway?

Gan Ji: Hm? I remember that I bought it from Gan Ning. He owns a pirated DVD store, after all. [3]

Yan Baihu: Oh…right.

Wang Lang: Hey there guys. **holds Kittycat Sun Ce** OHMYGOD what happened to Huang Zu?!

Gan Ji: Uhhh, umm…

Yan Baihu: He's just heard Gan Ji's original plan to torture Sun Ce.

Kittycat Sun Ce: Meow! Meow meow meow! Meow meow MEOW! (Gan Ji! You petty little marijuana-smoker! Turn me back NOW!) [4]

Wang Lang: Sssh, be quiet! What plan?

Gan Ji: Uhh, **gulp** Should we tell him?

Yan Baihu: No. He's just an old man. Let me handle this. **goes up to Wang Lang and whispers something in his ear**

Wang Lang: Oh, THAT film. Heh, I originally thought to torture him using that too, but I guess being turned into a cuddly kittycat is enough as well.

Gan Ji: Uhh…so, what did you say to him?

Yan Baihu: Hm, I simply told him that we planned to torture Sun Ce by forcing him to watch Zhou Yu and Daqiao reenacting all Twilight films.

Gan Ji: Oh….right. I see that could be a viable option as well. Oh well. So, Wang Lang, why did you take Sun Ce with you?

Wang Lang: Well, I just found him as a kittycat to be so damn cute, so I took him home. My beloved granddaughter will love him as well. We will record many videos of him and upload them to YouTube! We'll gain million views in an instant! Haha! [5]

Yan Baihu: Ew, cat videos? Seriously, does that sort of shit still exist today? Why not record, say, a tiger doing cute things to gain a million views? Oh well, this cat is the Little Conqueror after all, so he's special…

Wang Lang: Oh well, I'd better be home, guys. Don't forget to watch my cat Sun Ce videos, okay? There, there, kittycat….

Kittycat Sun Ce: MEEEOOOWWWWW! (NOOOO!)

Wang Lang: Haha, what a cute little kitty.

* * *

In the Shu side….

Sima Hui: Ohoho, three of my best students, gathering together and serving one true worthy lord in the land! Good, very good! [6]

Zhuge Liang, Pang Tong, and Xu Shu: Master!

Sima Hui: Ohoho, I already heard of your various successes while serving Liu Bei. Good, very good! I'm proud of you!

Zhuge Liang: Thank you very much, Master.

Pang Tong: Speaking of which, how did you know? You have been living in seclusion all the time!

Sima Hui: Haha! You see, I have a whole CCTV system placed all over the country, so I can monitor the situation outside without leaving my house! How's technology for ya, eh?

All: Errr, okay….

Sima Hui: So! I see you three are talking about something. What is it?

Xu Shu: Umm….we….

Pang Tong: Are talking about these photos.

Xu Shu: But, it's just so hilarious we nearly laughed to death! Ahahahaha!

Zhuge Liang: You may want to take a look for yourself, Master.

Sima Hui: Ohoho, it's so good to see these youngsters laughing in joy! Let me see. **takes the photos from Zhuge Liang, Pang Tong, and Xu Shu** Wait, what?!

Zhuge Liang, Pang Tong, and Xu Shu: **snickering**

Sima Hui: Shit! T-these, these are…..YOU! HOW DID YOU GET THESE?!

Zhuge Liang: Oh well, you said that you've placed a CCTV system throughout China. Xu Shu hacked into the system and managed to take some….interesting photos.

Pang Tong and Xu Shu: **laughing hard in the background**

Sima Hui: W-what?! Y-you IMBECILE! **runs away**

Zhuge Liang, Pang Tong, and Xu Shu: **laughs**

Pang Tong: Oh, my god…..I laughed so hard my stomach nearly bursts.

Xu Shu: Still, who knew that Master is so skilled in karaoke? With that Girls' Generation song and dance…..

Zhuge Liang: Well, he's the Water Mirror, after all. [7]

* * *

On the Wu side…

Sun Quan: Ah! Finally, my two trusted advisors are here! So, Gu Yong, Yu Fan, I hope you two can help me in my conquest!

Gu Yong: **simply nods**

Yu Fan: Of course, my lord! I will smash everything that comes in your way! I'll take them, I'll beat them, I'll smash them, and-

Lu Dai: Okay, okay, that's enough. Gee, you're not even a warrior.

Sun Quan: Lu Dai! How can you suddenly get in here without anyone knowing?!

Lu Dai: Sigh…I don't know. Maybe because I'm too old or something? Haha. I know, I'm just like Han Dang. We're both old men whose existence was practically unknown. Heh, but the upside is, I can get whenever I want without anyone knowing! Maybe I can get some skirt viewing, hmm….

Sun Quan: Okay…..well then, I suppose we can-

He Qi: Now don't forget me!

Sun Quan: WHAAAAAA! Well, holy shit! Who the hell are you?!

He Qi: Me? I'm one of the greatest generals in your army!

Sun Quan: Eww, what the hell?! How come I have recruited such a gay twat for my army?! You look like a poor man's version of Zhang He! I thought homosexuality is forbidden in Wu!

Gu Yong: Psst, sir, you sure do remember-

Sun Quan: Shut up, that's a different case! Yu Fan, take him away!

Yu Fan: I'm on it! **drags He Qi away**

He Qi: Nooo! It's not my fault! It's Koei's!

Yu Fan: Shut up and get yo' cunt away out of the window! **throws He Qi out of the window**

He Qi: AAAAAHHHH!

Yu Fan: Sigh…that settles it.

Bu Chan: Hey, am I late-

Sun Quan: Hey, it's you! Go away!

Bu Chan: But why? I'm not gay! I'm awesome too!

Sun Quan: Sigh….take him away, Yu Fan.

Yu Fan: Okay! **drags Bu Chan away and throws him from the window**

Bu Chan: AAAAAAHHHHH!

Sun Quan: Okay…that takes care of two trashes. Sigh…why can't I get his father instead? He's more worthy than his worthless son! I actually kinda prefer Lu Fan though, despite his face resembling Lu Bu….[8]

Liushi: Well, my husband isn't here yet, but I suppose I can fill his role!

Sun Quan: Liushi?!

Liushi: Now, don't you think that now I'm pretty enough? Of course I am! Hehehe.

Sun Quan: Okay….now who are you again?

Liushi: What? I'm Liushi, Lu Fan's wife!

Sun Quan: Now why in the hell Koei would add Lu Fan's wife who practically has no importance whatsoever rather than Lu Fan himself?! Tch…I'm getting tired of these obscure, no-name females….oh well.

* * *

Moving onto Jin side…

Hu Lie: Hey, you know what, I kinda felt proud.

Jiang Ban and Jiao Yi: What?

Hu Lie: I mean, look at us. We are among the obscure generals in Jin, but we actually managed to get our unique designs.

Jiao Yi: Meh, I suppose it's just Koei's preference for adding obscure generals, or even females. I don't know why they made designs for them, when they can get someone more important.

Jiang Ban: That's what's been bothering my mind, too.

Hu Lie: Oh well, I guess we can get in simply because we've done notable things that ended up crushing the rebellions of our masters against Jin.

Jiang Ban: I guess. May Jiao Yi and I need to remind you of our idiot master Zhuge Dan.

Jiao Yi: Yeah! We gave him some good advice, and then he just threatened to kill us! What's with that?!

Hu Lie: Maybe that's got something to do with your funny hair.

Jiao Yi: Hey! I resent that!

Hu Lie: Well, you two still got better. When my master Zhong Hui allied with Jiang Wei, he turned out to attempt to kill everyone in Jin!

Jiang Ban and Jiao Yi: **gasp**

Hu Lie: Of course, later I informed my son, who later killed Zhong Hui. Jeez, why does EVERYONE in Jin turn out to rebel against it, anyway? Maybe it got something to do with Jin's gayness. Hmm….

* * *

Moving onto Shu…..

Huang Hao: Ah, Lord Liu Shan!

Liu Shan: Hm? Huang Hao, it's you.

Huang Hao: Hohoho….see, what a beautiful weather we have here, doesn't it? What say you that we go on to have some…'amusement', together?

Liu Shan: Sounds like fun.

Jiang Wei: Huh?! Lord Liu Shan? **gasp** No way, is that?! Lord Liu Shan, NO!

Liu Shan: Hm? Jiang Wei? What is it?

Jiang Wei: Lord Liu Shan, why do you still hang out with this guy?! He brings bad influence to you!

Huang Hao: Whaaa?! No, of course not. Why would I think of that? I'm simply trying to get Lord Liu Shan happy, that's all.

Jiang Wei: No, you're not! Lord Liu Shan, please, I implore you. I mean, just look at him! He's bald, he's creepy, and he's BURNING a scroll for fuck's sake! If it's Lu Xun or Zhu Ran, then it's fine, but if it's he, it simply spells trouble. Please, stay away from him!

Liu Shan: Oh, really?

Huang Hao: No, Lord Liu Shan. He's simply trying to get us apart. Let's go away.

Jiang Wei: Lord Liu Shan! No! Please, listen to me! Plus, he literally has no balls. If you stay with me, at least I would be able to give you twice the pleasure since I have two balls! Please!

Liu Shan: Hmm….. **goes up to Jiang Wei and whispers in his ear** Listen, Jiang Wei, you may think that he's controlling me. But to tell you the truth, I am the one who dominate over him. After all, he has no balls. So you don't need to worry. **walks away with Huang Hao**

Jiang Wei: What?! Even though that's so, Huang Hao is destroying the empire from inside! We need to kill the rebel Huang Hao! Who's with me?!

Lishi: I am!

Jiang Wei: Whoa, whoa! Who the hell are you?!

Lishi: Me? I'm the one who hanged myself after my husband surrendered to Wei when they attacked!

Jiang Wei: That's all?

Lishi: Uhhh…yes.

Jiang Wei: Oh, fuck it! Koei is truly intent of adding more and MORE obscure girls that most people won't even give a shit about! Screw it! After the hell of a popularity that Wang Yuanji and Guan Yinping gained over a past few years, Koei seems to be eager to add in more non-existent females just so that 'they can gain the same level of popularity'. Fuck it, fuck it, FUCK IT! **stomps on the ground**

Lishi: Well, at least I'm not trying to lead a failed rebellion and instead instantly ended my life right away to show my loyalty.

Jiang Wei: But that's because you're a girl!

Lishi: Now that's sexist.

Jiang Wei: 2nd and 3rd century China WERE sexist.

Lishi: But this is 21st century.

Jiang Wei: Oh, screw it.

* * *

So, that was chapter 9. I'm sorry I uploaded this kinda late because I ran out of ideas. And even then I didn't produce what I think a very satisfying chapter. I'm so sorry. I hope I can give out funnier stories in the next chapters. Oh well, still, please continue on reading and give out reviews. Good day!

[1] For anyone who doesn't know that film, please do NOT look up for it. Trust me, you'll end up like Huang Zu. But for anyone who DOES know about that film, please explain it carefully to anyone who doesn't.

[2] Yeah, one day at a banquet, Dong Zhuo once beheaded a person and ate his head in front of everyone. Gross? You bet it was.

[3] I took this inspiration from San Three Kingdoms comic, specifically the 101th panel.

[4] Gan Ji in the DW series have been long associated with smoke, for some reason, so I imagine him as a hardcore marijuana smoker. Hahaha.

[5] Wang Lang's son Wang Su was the father of Wang Yuanji, making her Wang Lang's granddaughter.

[6] 'Good, very good!' was Sima Hui's catchphrase in real life.

[7] Water Mirror was Sima Hui's Taoist name, just like how Zhuge Liang was called 'Sleeping Dragon' and Pang Tong 'Young Phoenix'.

[8] This was also inspired by San Three Kingdoms comic, at the 194th and 195th panels.


	10. Final Notes

After seeing so many hilarious interaction of former generics and their old friends, we will see the last of them and see the conclusion of this chaotic reunions!

* * *

 **Chapter 10: Final Notes**

* * *

Fei Yi: Hey! Zhuge Liang!

Zhuge Liang: Oh, Fei Yi!

Fei Yi: Haha, seems like a long time since we met before, eh?

Zhuge Liang: Yes… **scans Fei Yi from up to down** Uh, I'm sorry, but…

Fei Yi: Uh, what?

Zhuge Liang: What are you exactly trying to do here? You replicated my almost exact pre-DW5 appearance! Even my chef hat! You copycat!

Fei Yi: Umm, no, no! It's not like that! It's just that the character designers kinda missed your pre-DW5 appearance, but they don't want to change you back! So they made me!

Zhuge Liang: What?! Now that's just unacceptable! I miss my chef hat! Give it back! **grabs Fei Yi's hat**

Fei Yi: Hey, hey, hey! **Zhuge Liang rips out Fei Yi's hat** AAAAAHHHHH!

Zhuge Liang: Haha! Now this hat is mine! **puts it on**

Fei Yi: That's…. not….a….hat! **faints** [1]

Hu Ji: Hm? What's going on? Did I come late? Oh, Lord Zhuge Liang!

Zhuge Liang: Hm? Oh, hi Hu Ji! Look! Do you like my new hat?

Hu Ji: Your new hat? Ummm….okay, I guess.

Zhuge Liang: Well, frankly this is not a new hat, I mean, I wore it since the very first DW game that Koei refuses to acknowledge! Then DW5 came and I was forced to wear this stupid wavy cardboard hat! Then that copycat Fei Yi stole it from me! Oh well, at least now I got it back! Ohohohoho…..

Hu Ji: Rrrrrriiiiiigggghhhhtttttt. Uh, what's wrong with him? **points at Fei Yi lying on the ground**

Zhuge Liang: Hm? Oh, it's nothing! He just takes a siesta! Hehe.

Hu Ji: …..

* * *

On the other side….

Liu Bei: Brother! You're finally here! [2]

Liu Biao: Hm, of course. I have been usually regarded as one of the most important figures in the era, but I have been always a generic! Oh well, now that I have at least gotten a new design, I am content.

Liu Bei: Yes! Thank Koei for finally realizing this! **cries**

Liu Biao: Now why in the hell you're crying?! Seriously, you're such a crybaby.

Liu Bei: Oh, no. I'm just trying to replicate the amount of tears shed in the original novel.

Liu Biao: WHAT?! Don't do it! You'll kill both of your eyes!

Liu Bei: Oh. Right. But still, I deeply rejoice now that you're here alongside me. Words can't express my joy.

Liu Biao: That's kinda exaggerating it.

Liu Bei: I'm honest! **holds Liu Biao's hands** Without you, I'm nothing.

Liu Biao: Hmmm….. **squints eyes** Liu Bei.

Liu Bei: Yes?

Liu Biao: I'm not gay.

Liu Bei: Uhhh…of course, I know that.

Liu Biao: The question is…..are YOU?

Liu Bei: Uhhh…no! NO!

Liu Biao: Then stop acting like you are! Seriously, I just met your brother-in-law Mi Fang on the way here and he told me how you're so desperate that his sister, a.k.a your wife, isn't here yet, and the fact that Sun Shangxiang pretty much dominates over you that you turned gay for your friends!

Liu Bei: Whaaatttt?! That's nonsense! No straight guy will turn gay just because they can't find their love! And plus, Mi Fang is an asshole AND a dumbass! A dumbasshole, if you may.

Liu Biao: Hey! As a matter of fact, they can. It's just like me a month ago, where both of my wives are bickering at each other. It makes me sick! So I decided to vent all my sexual frustration at Cai Mao- **covers his mouth** Ooooopppssss.

Liu Bei: **jawdrop** No, no way….Jingsheng, you….you!

Liu Biao: No, Xuande! It's not what it looks like! Please, let me explain-

Liu Bei: NOOOO! STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU SICK GRANDPA! AAAAAAHHHHHH! **runs away while flailing his arms**

Liu Biao: Nooo! Argh, fuck my mouth! No, wait, that sounds SO wrong.

Wen Ping: Ah, you don't have to worry about it.

Liu Biao: Gaaaahhh! Who are you?

Wen Ping: What? I'm your own fucking general!

Liu Biao: Really? What's your name?

Wen Ping: Wen Ping! I served your son Liu Cong too!

Liu Biao: Wen…Ping? **thinks for a second** Ahaha, nice try impostor, but there's no way you're my general! I only have Wen Pin! Now go away, you filthy Wei rat!

Wen Ping: What?! My name is Wen Ping! Not Wen Pin! It's a typo by Koei! Come on!

Liu Biao: Nuh-uh-uh, now go away. Join your fellow friends in Wei and don't disturb me again.

Wen Ping: What! Hey, hey! Argh! Screw that old man! Fine, if you ask! **goes away**

Liu Biao: Hmph! Now, I have to find a way to convince Liu Bei that I did NOT turn gay on Cai Mao. Actually, he was the one who raped me first, but since I was so frustrated at my two wives, I decided to go along with it, not the other way around! Hmmh…..

* * *

On Wei side….

Ma Zun: Hmph! How miserable my life is! I have no friends to meet here, where everyone else has! Huff…

Wang Jing: You're not alone, you know.

Ma Zun: Eh? Who are you?

Wang Jing: Well….I'm one of those cannon fodders used by Cao Mao when he rebelled against Sima Zhao only to be killed at the end. But hey, at least Koei is kind enough to add me! Isn't that great?

Ma Zun: Huh, yeah….hm? Wait, it's you! Jiang Wei! How dare you to desert me to Shu!

Jiang Wei: Ma Zun! Well, it's not my fault! You deserted me first!

Ma Zun: Heh! Well, it's for the good of our own army! A servant should be expected to always stick to their masters, no matter what the cost!

Jiang Wei: Excuses! It just serves to cement the fact that you're a pussy! Who else wears their hair tied by a ribbon and put it on their shoulder anyway?! It serves the fact that you're more fitting to work in a kitchen!

Ma Zun: W-what?!

Wang Jing: Ooh! Burn…. **snickers**

Ma Zun: Shut up!

Wang Jing: Sorry.

Jiang Wei: Ha! See? And really, you should've died after that! Everyone knows that you'll die if you wear a hairstyle like that! [3]

Ma Zun: Ah, screw it! **ragequits**

Wang Jing: Hahaha! You almost got me burst with laughter, Jiang Wei!

Jiang Wei: Now who are you?

Wang Jing: Well….I'm one of those cannon fodders used by Cao Mao when he rebelled against Sima Zhao only to be killed at the end. Wait, isn't that the same phrase I used when talking to Ma Zun? Ah, nevermind.

Jiang Wei: I see that we suffered the same fate.

Wang Jing: I know, I know.

* * *

On the other side…

Zhang Jiao: And with this, I declare the resurrection of the Yellow Turbans!

Zhang Lu: Not the Yellow Turbans! **smacks Zhang Jiao**

Zhang Jiao: Yeow! Jeez, there's no need to smack me! We are of the same surname, and we too seeks to revive the Taoist movement! You, too, also already wear yellow!

Zhang Lu: Yes, I know, but Yellow Turbans are creepy! They're like an ancient version of Falun Gong!

Zhang Jiao: Meh, at least they're not hippies like you.

Zhang Lu: Hey!

Zhang Jiao: Well, just look at you! Tell me if you're anything BUT a hippie.

Zhang Lu: Well, I'm a warlord, a leader of a religious sect that DON'T plunder people and towns and rebel against the government, and unlike you, I actually died of old age and became successful.

Zhang Jiao: …..

Zhang Lu: Tch. I mean, really, you received a magical book from some random hermit, declared it as a message from the Heavens, and then rebelled against the government only for it to turn out as an epic fail? Sigh….

Zhang Jiao: Hmph! If this is the case where I am finally cornered, better escape! **teleports and left a puff of smoke**

Zhang Lu: Hey! Where did that hippy witch go?

On the other side…

King Midang: Haha! I'm glad to be finally added as a Qiang representative!

Meng Huo: Well, not so fast!

King Midang: Eh? Who are you?

Meng Huo: You don't know me? I am the king of Nanman! You barbarians can't stop us!

King Midang: Us? Barbarians? Well, look who's talking! You are all more barbarian than me!

Meng Huo: Which means you can't beat us!

King Midang: Now that's some insane troll logic. Well, I don't mind it! At least I'm handsome! Unlike you, gluttonous glob of fat! I don't understand how you can even fuck your wife!

Meng Huo: Well, watch yo mouth! Come on, let's finish all this nonsense talk and duke it out like real men!

King Midang: You're asking for it!

Meng Huo and King Midang: **proceeds to brawl**

Zhao E: Sigh…how uncouth youth these days are! Many people here gather to have a small talk between old friends, but how come they forget I, the greatest heroine of the era?!

 **cricket sounds**

Zhao E: Well, hello! Does anybody recognize me?! Hey!

 **more cricket sounds**

Zhao Yun: Maybe that's because you're not relevant.

Zhao E: What do you mean I'm not relevant?! I killed my father's murderer despite this era being extremely sexist. The entire land knows of my courage and bravery! Which is why Koei decided to add me!

Zhao Yun: Well, you may be memorable sure, but you're not, you know, RELEVANT. Your notable act of courage happened way before the whole fuss happened, and even though your son later joined Wei, he pretty much didn't do anything!

Zhao E: Whaaaaa…..now that's so mean…. **cries**

Zhao Yun: Huff…it's alright. At least they're kind enough to give you a unique design, okay?

Zhao E: Huwaaa…. **sniff** Yes, you're right. Many other more relevant figures didn't get their unique designs yet because Koei favors me over them. I have to cherish this while I could.

Zhao Yun: Now, that's more like it. **bumps into someone** Oof! I'm sorry, I didn't see you- huh?

Fan Yufeng: **bumps into Zhao Yun** Aah! I'm sorry, I- eh?

Zhao Yun: F-fan Yufeng?!

Fan Yufeng: Zhao Yun!

Zhao Yun: No way! I thought….I thought!

Fan Yufeng: I know, Zhao Yun, it's weird.

Zhao Yun: Unbelievable! The Koei folks actually added you?!

Fan Yufeng: Ummm, yes….why?

Zhao Yun: No….this can't be!

Fan Yufeng: Why? Speak!

Zhao Yun: I knew it….I knew it someday they'll add a girl sooner or later to be my waifu….even though they KNEW it's going to bring my fangirls into Rage mode! Argh! Even though I prefer Ma Chao's sister Ma Yunlu myself…..

Fan Yufeng: Um….what's with that? I suppose it's alright.

Zhao Yun: You don't understand. Those rabid fangirls…they'll come and tear you to pieces! Don't you understand?!

Fan Yufeng: Huh?! …Zhao Yun.

Zhao Yun: Huh?

Fan Yufeng: I'm not afraid at those fangirls. If they want to come at me and True Rage Musou me, I will always stand by your side.

Zhao Yun: Fan Yufeng…. **stares at her boobs** Ooh, well if this is the case, I don't mind~

Fan Yufeng: Uhh….my lord? My eyes are up here.

Zhao Yun: Mmmm…..oh! Right, I'm so sorry.

Fan Yufeng: **gasp** My lord, what have you done?!

Zhao Yun: Uh, no no no! It's not like that! I mean, they're just left out in the open! I'm a man, you know!

Fan Yufeng: Grrrr…..

Zhao Yun: No no no! I swear- AAAAAHHHHHH!

This scene did not get past the T rating…fast forward, please….

Fan Yufeng: Hmph! **leaves**

Zhao Yun: Uhhhhrrrrrgggghhhh…..oh well, maybe the fangirls won't rage again after this…..aaaggghhhh...

* * *

Okay, so that's it! We've already seen ALL of the Blast characters and the playable characters' interaction towards them. Thank you so much for…eh?

Ace: Hey, wait a minute.

Ugh, you again. What is it?

Ace: I already devised this brilliant plan I told you before! I hope you can get it working.

What plan is it anyway….oh, right. Well, I can't guarantee anything.

Ace: Alright, alright, just make sure you work it out, okay?

I told you, I couldn't guarantee anything.

Ace: Sigh…fine, take your time! Oh well, I suppose it's time for me to reveal who I am. I already promised you, right?

Just be quick so I can finish this fic.

Ace: Okay, okay! So, the reality is, I am an entity created by the Author to represent the Koei corp., specifically, the DW producer Akihiro Suzuki.

Okay, you've done it! Can we move along?

Ace: Yes, yes, my pleasure.

Oh well. Thank you so much for reading this fic from the beginning to the end. Please leave a review, and wait for my next fic! Good day!

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 _ **The End**_

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[1] Inspired by Spongebob episode "I'm Your Biggest Fanatic".

[2] Liu Biao is not actually Liu Bei's brother, but was referred by the latter as such due to both of them hailing from the Imperial House.

[3] For anyone who doesn't understand, just Google search 'dead anime mom hair'. Really, since Ma Zun's fate after Jiang Wei's defection was unknown, I get a feeling that Koei'll kill him off if he ever becomes playable. The hairstyle says it all. Oh well, serves him right anyway, since he's a complete coward who deserted Jiang Wei to save his own ass. His death will be so satisfying to see. Ohohohoho….


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